


let die to let live

by excorde (constant)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bffs! Junhwan, Exes! Junbob, M/M, Minor Chanwoo, Minor Hanbin, Minor Yunhyeong, Non-Linear Narrative, a bit of drunk driving, focuses a lot on junbob's relationship, nothing serious tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constant/pseuds/excorde
Summary: In which a car accident and a series of unfortunate incidents lead Junhoe to spend a night at his ex-boyfriend's apartment.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe & Kim Jinhwan, Goo Junhoe/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Jiwon & Kim Donghyuk
Comments: 26
Kudos: 74





	1. parties are overrated, let's do something worse

**Author's Note:**

> • the non-linearity(?) of this fic is SEVERE so i apologize if it gets confusing at some point aaa part of the reason why i divided this into two parts is bc of this lmao SORRY  
> • heavily inspired by tswift's whole discography and that one time when my mom drove me to uni and we got into a mild car accident lol  
> EDIT: this is so so embarrassing but i only realized now that i had the title wrong so i had to change it a month after having this posted up >< (this is why i need a beta)

Junhoe’s head is buzzing. 

It feels like there are about 89 tabs opened in his brain and most (if not all) of them are still loading to work. He can’t even get to focus on a single tab, much less  _ try  _ to keep them all in order.

He tries to shake his head, an attempt to clear his vision, to stare properly at the girl with the long fair hair that has been talking to him ever since Junhoe settled himself on that stuffy loveseat. She laughs at something she just said and Junhoe decides right there that she has the most obnoxious laugh he has ever heard. 

He looks to his left and can make out several people surrounding a table at the corner of the room, their hollering and laughter making Junhoe guess that they’re probably playing some kind of drinking game. A couple is making out at the couch across him, and he looks away when one of them slides a hand up his partner’s leg. 

People keep going in and out of his vision in fast forward, it’s almost as if he’s the only stagnant one in this stupid party, and the only one completely baffled with the way the alcohol’s taking an effect on him. He stares down at his cup, and flinches after sniffing the liquid inside. 

“Ugh.” 

Junhoe downs the drink anyway, even if he thinks he probably shouldn’t have. The girl with the long fair hair suddenly leans in and whispers something in his ear. He didn’t have the energy, or the right mind, to push her away. 

“Meet me in the bathroom in 30 seconds.” 

Junhoe recoils so fast he almost slides off his seat. “Why?” And it’s only then he notices the hand that is placed on his lap, and Junhoe swats it away like some bug that just jumped on him from nowhere. 

“Sorry, I don’t swing that way.” He mutters quickly before pushing himself off the couch, heart suddenly racing in panic. 

He gets to the makeshift dance floor by the foyer where he has to push off several people just to make his way to the front door. He gets elbowed in the face and shoved at the shoulder before he succeeds in reaching the door. 

“Fucking finally.” Junhoe says when he’s finally outside, where not a single soul is around. He makes his way down the front porch, and before he knows it, he’s laying down sprawled on the front yard. 

Junhoe’s head is throbbing, literally throbbing, like all the pulses in his body has moved up his head to transform into this one massive pulse that throbs obnoxiously, mockingly at his temples. He can almost hear the rational part of him reprimanding him at the back of his head for getting himself this drunk. 

A sudden gush of the wind makes him shiver, and he almost pulls his jacket to his body when he realizes he’s not wearing it anymore. With that amount of people inside, you can only imagine the body heat emanating from all those people. He must have taken it off some time inside, but he doesn’t actually remember when. 

Sighing, he decides to gaze up at the sky. 

“No stars.” He observes, and in that brief moment, he feels a strong surge of sadness taking over his whole being. Ever since that  _ particular night _ , Junhoe only ever wants to see the night sky full of twinkling stars. It’s like a portal that brings him back to his most treasured moment, reliving that same happy memory over and over again. 

Staring at the vast dark sky, he yells at the heavens, “WHY AREN’T THERE ANY STARS?” 

In his sudden rage, Junhoe spits at the sky, which he realizes too late isn’t exactly the best idea because he’s laying on the ground and his spit is pulled back down by gravity and it lands messily on his face. 

“Ugh.” He wipes it away with the back of his hand just as he hears a swift but ear-piercing honk from one of the cars parked along the sidewalk. 

Even in intoxication, he still manages to recognize the familiar sound. He gets up on his feet and quickly heads towards the spot where they parked earlier, searching for Jinhwan’s car. 

As Jinhwan’s best friend in the world, Junhoe has learned some of the ways Jinhwan honks whenever he drives. There’s the swift beep whenever he has to overtake another vehicle, the double beep when he spots a friend at the other lane, and that long annoyed honk when Jinhwan encounters a stupid driver. 

Tonight, however, the honk he heard isn’t any of the honks mentioned, and Junhoe’s first thought, for some reason, is that his friend’s car is carnapped. 

Junhoe couldn’t exactly say he’s completely relieved when it’s Jinhwan he sees on the driver’s seat of his Toyota Corolla, not when his friend has his forehead pressed into the steering wheel, and Junhoe’s reminded again why they were there in that stupid party in the first place. 

Junhoe sighs and feels his heart second-handedly ache for his best friend. He stands outside the passenger door for five minutes, staring at Jinhwan through the window, giving the other boy a little time to himself. When he couldn’t wait any longer, Junhoe opens the car door and silently slides in the vehicle as silent as a first time drunk person like him could be. 

Jinhwan doesn’t even look up when he says, “Spare me with that ‘I told you so’ bullshit, Junhoe.” 

“I haven’t even said anything yet.” 

Silence passes them as Jinhwan wallows in self-pity while Junhoe sits there and tries to figure out what to say. 

“I told you so.” 

Jinhwan finally looks up at him, his nose running and eyes bloodshot and teary. He snorts so suddenly that Junhoe worries he might actually start wailing uncontrollably. Instead, he laughs. 

He laughs so loud,  _ so ridiculously _ that Junhoe couldn’t help but laugh along with him. 

“Fuck you.” Jinhwan wheezes out, and Junhoe took that as his cue to pull him close and embrace him in a one-arm hug. Jinhwan almost immediately melts into the hug, sniffing a little into Junhoe’ shirt. 

“I’m so sorry, hyung.” 

“Me too.” 

Junhoe rubs circles on his back, an attempt for comfort. They stay like that for a while, when Junhoe gets an idea. 

“Do you wanna get out of here?” 

Junhoe means  _ out of the car _ , but Jinhwan must have thought he was referring to the whole damn place. 

Jinhwan starts the car at the same time Junhoe opens the passenger door. 

“Hey!” 

Jinhwan stares at him quizzically. 

“You said get out of here. Then get out of here, we shall.” 

Junhoe shakes his head frantically. “Oh no. No, no, no, hyung. You’re drunk.” 

He swats the other’s hand away off the gear stick, and Jinhwan pushes him by the shoulder in return. 

“I’m not drunk! I had two bottles of beer! C’mon, I’m pretty sure I can take a whole arithmetic test in this condition and still ace the shit out of it, much less drive my own car.” 

“You know that’s completely two different things right?” 

Jinhwan sighs exasperatedly and shifts a little in his seat so he can stare at his friend properly. 

“Go on.” 

“What?” 

“Ask me anything. If I can answer it without missing a beat, then we’re off for a drive.” 

Junhoe thinks he could have had more advantage had he been more sober, but with his ever swirling head, he can’t come up with a million dollar question to fire at his friend. 

“What’s 50 times 20?” 

Jinhwan didn’t even blink. “One thousand.” 

Before Junhoe even knows it, Jinhwan’s already steering off the driveway, leaving him to curse under his breath for forgetting that Jinhwan is some kind of a renowned math genius. (Actually, the question thrown was relatively easy, but leave it to Junhoe to come up with a 2nd grade level math question). 

Jinhwan blasts a Led Zeppelin song that they both sing along to at the top of their lungs. Junhoe rolls the window down to feel the wind rustling through his hair, the cold sensation prickling his skin and waking his senses alive. Eventually, the image of dim lit houses disappears as they exit town, Jinhwan picking up speed as they steer to the highway. 

Junhoe pokes his head out the window and screams incoherently, feeling the wind dry up his mouth. 

He hears Jinhwan laugh, before following suit and yelling out a, “Fuck you, Song Yunhyeong!!!!” 

Junhoe pulls him back gently. “Hey, focus on driving. I’ll do the screaming for you.” 

And Junhoe does just that. He juts the upper half of his body out the window and curses Song Yunhyeong for leading his best friend on and playing with his feelings. 

“He baked you cheesecake, asshole! Even I don’t get to have that kind of privilege and I’m his best friend!” 

Jinhwan chuckles, “All right. All right. I’ll make you some too. Geez.” 

Jinhwan is shaking his head, but he has a small smile on his face. Junhoe takes a moment to stare at him. 

“You feeling better?” 

Jinhwan gives him a glance before focusing back on the road, a smirk forming on his face. 

“Better than 15 minutes ago, yeah.” 

Junhoe places his hand on top of Jinhwan’s and gives him a weak smile. 

“I’m really sleepy. Do you mind if I get some shut eye?” 

“Not at all.”

“Thanks. Oh, and can you please slow down to a 50?”

“Relax, Junhoe. I got this.” Jinhwan slows down anyway, and Junhoe finally starts to feel at ease, letting his body relax on the car seat. The window is still rolled down, and by then Junhoe has gotten used to the breeze of the wind, his lids getting heavier by the second, like he’s being swayed off to sleep. The mellow song blasting off the stereo lulls him to dreamland, and the last thing he remembers is Jinhwan humming quietly to the love song. 

  
  
  


Junhoe feels as though he slept for 8 hours when it had actually only been 12 minutes. He jolts awake, jumping a little in his seat when he hears a loud thud and the vehicle halting to a full stop, followed by Jinhwan’s deafening scream. 

Junhoe frantically looks around them, heart hammering in his chest as Jinhwan curses a hundred words per minute.

“What the fuck happened?” 

"I don't know. He came out of nowhere!" Jinhwan cries, defensive, hands gripping at the steering wheel tightly. 

It takes a while for Junhoe to absorb what’s just happened. 

_ No. No, it can’t be.  _

Junhoe tries to convince himself that he’s just dreaming. Maybe he’s still asleep, and he’s gonna wake any moment now. But he didn’t dare waste anymore time and unbuckles his seatbelt as Jinhwan’s wails about him being a murderer echoes into the night. 

Junhoe steps off the car, surprisingly calm - that is, if calm means looking composed on the outside yet feeling completely dreadful and sick on the inside.

He loses his balance after landing on both feet, the alcohol not failing to remind him that he's still as intoxicated when they left Yunhyeong’s house. 

Junhoe attempts to clear his head as he proceeds towards the front of the car, but when he sees the motionless body lying sprawled on the road, a dreaded chill runs down his spine. After what felt like a minute of standing there in shock, Junhoe snaps out of himself and bends over to check if the person is still breathing. 

Fortunately, he is, and Junhoe instinctively checks around if the person sustained any external injuries. 

There's none. There’s no blood spilling anywhere from the person, which is only half of a relief because the chances of internal injuries is still pretty damn high. 

The man is lying face down on the ground and Junhoe knows enough not to flip him over so recklessly, as he might deal more damage to some injuries they don't know yet, probably the only thing he learned in that first aid training seminar he attended during his freshman year.

Junhoe stands up and stares down at the man suspiciously. Something doesn’t feel right. Why is he not moving? 

He gently nudges at the man’s leg using his foot. “Hello? Are you alive?” 

No response. 

Junhoe inspects the bumper and fenders of the car for any damages or scratches, but there aren’t any, at least not that he can see in that dim light. He throws one last suspicious look at the man before walking back to the front seat, where the door is still open and Jinhwan is still wailing. 

"He's not dead, hyung. Shut up." 

"Oh, THANK GOD. THANK GOD." 

Junhoe paces by the passenger door as he runs a hand through his hair, forcing himself to sober up so he can gather a bunch of useful thoughts. He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions but the man looks hella sketchy. He is just about to tell Jinhwan his speculations when the older speaks out first. 

“Should we call the police?” Jinhwan says, voice trembling. 

“And tell them you were drunk driving, over speeding _ and _ ran over someone?” 

“ _ I wasn’t over speeding _ -!” Jinhwan pauses, then he sighs before continuing, “How about the ambulance?” 

“And have them call the police on us?” 

“Dammit. Damn.  _ Fuck _ !” Jinhwan slams a fist on the steering wheel. 

Junhoe doesn’t reply. Only grabs at his hair frustratingly. Jinhwan’s panicked state rubs off on him, and that makes him completely forget about his growing suspicions at the man they just ran over.

After a few panicked seconds of tense silence, Junhoe voices out the only solution he can think of. 

“We have to call someone we know.” 

"I'll call Yunhyeong." Jinhwan fishes his phone out of his pocket and Junhoe snatches the device right before his friend can start dialing on it. 

"No. You're not talking to that shithead again."

Jinhwan looks as though he is about to argue for a second, but eventually relents. "Fine. If you won’t let me call Yunhyeong, then  _ you  _ call  _ him _ ."

Junhoe scowls at his friend, “I’m not calling Yunhyeong either.” 

“I’m not talking about Yunhyeong, Junhoe.” 

“What are you-” 

Jinhwan waves his hands around them, and that’s when Junhoe only takes a proper look around the place. Junhoe falls silent when he recognizes the familiar highway, as well as the line of trees stretching along the road. A few yards ahead of them, Junhoe notices the sign board dimly illuminated by the corolla's headlights. 

_ Route 59 _

Another chill runs down his spine, but this time, his heart drops along to the pit of his stomach. 

Before he knows it, Junhoe finds himself striding towards the hood of the car, a cowardice attempt to avoid the conversation. 

The man is still laying face down on the ground, his chest heaving steadily. A few seconds later, Jinhwan steps out of the driver’s seat to join him, cursing silently when he sees the man on the ground. 

“Are you sure he’s not dead?” 

“He will be if we don’t get out of here quick.” 

Jinhwan faces him, hands on his hips. Junhoe refuses to look at him, because he knows exactly what is coming for him. 

“Do you still have his number?” 

Junhoe pretends not to hear. 

"You do, don’t you?"

The accusing tone finally makes Junhoe react. He shrugs, and says with the best nonchalant voice he could muster, "I just didn’t bother myself to delete it." 

Jinhwan waves a hand off. "Whatever, I don’t care. Just hurry and call him."

Junhoe looks up in surprise by the finality in the older’s voice. He admits, he doesn’t really like it whenever Jinhwan pulls the I’m-older-than-you-so-do-as-I-say card at such circumstances, because almost every damn time, Junhoe complies. What surprised Junhoe  _ more _ , however, is Jinhwan’s lack of reaction to the fact that Junhoe still has his number. 

Isn't it part of the best friend's job description to reprimand the other for still having the number of the person that they really shouldn't have anymore?

Whatever.

Junhoe pulls his phone out, then hesitates. 

"You know I haven't contacted him in 8 months."

"I know, Junhoe. But we have an emergency here." Jinhwan waves his hand at the unconscious man on the ground.

Junhoe nods but just when he’s about to type in the name to search for his contact, he hesitates yet again. 

"It's past 2 am, he might not answer the call."

"It's worth the try."

"All right, but i'm only calling  _ once _ , and if he doesn't pick up on the fourth ring, I'm-"

"FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JUNHOE, WE HAVE A DYING PERSON HERE.”

“WELL I WONDER WHOSE FAULT THAT IS!” 

The piercing gaze Jinhwan shoots him makes him back away a little. 

“One more word and there’ll be two dying people here.” 

Deflating, Junhoe finally gives in, "Fine! Okay! I'll call him." 

Junhoe feels weird seeing his name appear on his phone again. If it’s just up to him, Junhoe never would have pressed the dial button, no matter the circumstance, not even when they ran over a person and that person is now probably fighting for his life laying face down on the ground, but Jinhwan’s glare is piercing through the side of his face that Junhoe feels compelled to just do it. 

Junhoe avoids Jinhwan’s eyes as he brings the phone up to his ear. He didn't even have time to think, because the call is picked up on the fourth ring. 

Instantly, Junhoe’s heart starts to race. 

_ Picking up on the fourth ring - like he used to, like he always did.  _

"Hello?"

Junhoe falters at the sound of his husky voice. He obviously had been sleeping, it doesn't take an idiot to figure that out, and Junhoe almost drops the call out of cowardice or embarrassment (he can't figure out which) when he meets Jinhwan's intent stare. 

"Hello?" comes the voice again, this time, sounding a little bit irritated. Junhoe's heart skips a beat, and he struggles to find his voice for a quick second. 

"It's me." He finally says, voice barely above a whisper. 

The silence that follows right after prompts Junhoe to think that the person on the other line might not have heard him properly, but before he can repeat what he said louder, the person speaks up. 

"Junhoe?" The way he breathlessly spoke his name almost made Junhoe hang up again. 

Saying Junhoe's name breathlessly, like he always did, like he always had. 

"Is everything okay? Are you all right?"

"Yes. I-I'm fine. It's just-" Junhoe pauses, sighs, then places a palm over his chest. 

_ Calm the fuck down. _

"Are you sure? You don't sound okay." 

"I'm just a little jumpy but I swear I'm fine. It's - look, there had been an accident and we-"

"An accident?! Wait, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." Junhoe says firmly before holding the phone away from his ear when the person on the other line starts throwing many worried questions. The irritation instantly makes its way up Junhoe’s whole being, and he doesn’t hesitate chucking the phone over to Jinhwan, who catches it easily with a bewildered expression. He walks aimlessly towards the back of the car, hearing Jinhwan give a hurried description of their current location on the phone. 

Junhoe sighs as he lifts his head up at the sky, only noticing then that his heart has started hammering in his chest. He feels the cold wind bite at his face and for a very short moment, Junhoe feels partially calm. 

He doesn't understand why he had suddenly gotten so worked up. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's about hearing his voice again after 8 months, maybe it's the nerves from running over a person and being possible convicts now, maybe it's the way how, 8 whole months later, Jiwon still hasn't learned to fucking listen whenever Junhoe is speaking. 

Thank the heavens he was quick to pass the situation over to Jinhwan before he completely lost control of his emotions.

"What was that about?" Jinhwan hits his arm from behind, breaking Junhoe from his train of thoughts. 

Junhoe turns to him to do the same thing.

"Ow! That hurt!" 

Junhoe hits him one more time for good measure before rushing to the back door and throwing himself on the seats. 

He hears Jinhwan prop himself up on the front seat, but couldn't be bothered to spare him a glance. For some reason, the roof of the car looks a hell lot of interesting right now. 

"If it makes you feel any better, he sounded pretty concerned." 

Junhoe doesn't have the energy to say that:  _ No. As a matter of fact, none of that makes me feel any better. _ So he just remains silent as he wishes for Jinhwan to just shut up. 

The older doesn't get the message obviously. 

"I told you we should have called Yunhyeong instead." says Jinhwan in a low, cautious voice.

"And what? Have that pretentious dick act like he cares for you and have you wrapped all over his fucking finger again?" 

Jinhwan is quiet for a moment, and Junhoe worries if he had crossed the line. 

"I could handle it." 

"I couldn't." Junhoe replies immediately. "I don't want to put you through that shit again. Not when you've finally realized how much of an asshole he actually is." 

"I remember you  _ did  _ try to tell me that I deserve someone better than him, when he and I went on our first date." 

"But you didn't listen." 

"But I didn't listen." Jinhwan chuckles, though it sounded a little hollow. "And then after that, you stopped talking shit about him because you saw just how much he made me happy." 

They don't say more after that, basking in the comfortable silence that they have established in the seven years of their friendship. The only noise around them was coming from the cicadas from the bushes by the edge of the road, and if Junhoe listens closely, the heavy breathing of the dying man. 

_ Oh shit, the dying man.  _

Junhoe jolts upright when he's suddenly reminded of the situation they are currently in, almost hitting his head at the roof handle. 

"Did you tell him about the person we ran over?" Junhoe asks at the same time Jinhwan says, "You're still not over him, are you?" 

Jinhwan turns to him and they exchange confused stares for a full minute before they both cry out a, "What?" 

_ You're still not over him, are you? _

  
  
  


That is such a ridiculous question. A question which, Junhoe knows he should probably leave unanswered and yet he still couldn't help but turn it over in his mind anyways. 

Lucky for him, a pair of headlights come flashing up ahead of them, preventing him from spiralling into his own thoughts. 

The vehicle stops a few good meters away from them, and as the driver steps out into the night and into their full view, Junhoe contemplates whether he should still consider himself lucky for the distraction. 

"He's here." Jinhwan scrambles out of the car to meet the newcomer, as Junhoe decides to stay in the backseat for a while, watching him through the windshield. 

Jiwon sprints towards their direction wearing a grey oversized hoodie and baggy black pants, Junhoe catching sight of the mini pooh keychain that he always liked to clip on his belt holders. 

"Hyung, are you all right?" He hears Jiwon say when he finally reaches them, his gaze automatically landing on the spot where the dying (probably dead now) man is. 

He curses before Jinhwan reassures him he's not dead (yet). 

_ This isn't so bad, _ Junhoe thinks to himself. Not the entire running over someone and probably going to jail situation, but the seeing your ex-boyfriend again since your break up kind of thing. 

Junhoe at least expected for his heart to get all racing and shit, especially how it reacted when he made the call earlier. 

But he guesses he's way past that, since he had been expecting to see him in the first place anyway. And Junhoe thinks, if he just acts accordingly, he can actually keep his feelings at bay, and maybe, hopefully, make it through the night without making anything in their current situation worse than it already is.

"Where's Junhoe?" 

He's  _ wrong _ , oh how he's so fucking wrong, because just as Jiwon spoke his name, his heart constricts in his chest and he just wants to switch souls with that dying man at that very moment. 

" _ Junhoe! _ " Jinhwan calls sharply, and Junhoe decides it is now or never.

He reluctantly makes his way to the hood of the car, trying his best to look as apathetic as his face could manage.

"Junhoe…" 

He did it again, that breathless thing with Junhoe's name. 

Despite the loud thumping in his chest, Junhoe forced himself to keep eye contact, ignoring how the headlights from Jinhwan's car made Jiwon look unnecessarily attractive.

"Are you okay?" 

“Yeah, thanks for coming over to help.” Junhoe forces a smile, and silently prays it looks natural enough to fool the lot of them. He ignores the side glance Jinhwan throws at him. 

Then to both of their surprise, another person walks out of the passenger door of the car where Jiwon had emerged from, and the person jogs over his way to reach the group. When he is close enough for Junhoe to discern his face, he realizes it isn't someone he knows. 

"Holy shit, is he okay?" Says the stranger, motioning to the dying man on the ground. Before anyone could respond to him, however, he bends over to take a look at the man's face. Junhoe thinks it might have just been his imagination, but he swears he heard the stranger mutter out, "This asshole." under his breath.

And sure enough - 

Jinhwan screams when the stranger flips the man's body so carelessly. 

"Hey!" Junhoe is about to tell him off, but to their horror (even Jiwon flinched, but Junhoe isn't secretly observing him from his peripheral vision, no he's not), the man - as in the supposedly dying man on the road - jumps to his feet and attempts to flee away from the group. 

Jiwon catches him with ease (because of course he does), grabbing the man by the collar and pulling him back with a much needed force that Junhoe hears Jinhwan gulp two steps away from him. 

Jiwon pushes the man back down on the ground, and he lands on his butt, back pressed against the bumper of the car. Jet black hair and a pair of round glassy orbs peer up at them frantically. The longer Junhoe stared at him, the more the man looked unscathed. Like he wasn't just run over by a damn car, and maybe he  _ wasn't  _ actually ran over by a car. 

So he was right. 

Junhoe turns to look at Jinhwan and see if the older had already grasped the situation, only to see that he is already stomping his way towards the man cowering on the ground. 

"I'm gonna kick your fucking ass you'd wish you were actually just run over by us, you absolute motherfucker-" 

Junhoe grabs Jinhwan before he could even get to the boy. Apparently, the longer Junhoe stared at him, the more the man looks like he's just a boy. He only looks about Junhoe's age, if not younger.

"I thought I  _ killed  _ you!" Jinhwan yells into the quiet night, and Junhoe frantically tries to shut him up by wrapping both arms around him and dragging him away from the rest of the group. That wasn’t really the best thing to shout in the middle of the night. 

When they were at a safe distance, Jinhwan is still fuming, which is completely understandable considering all the things he had gone through tonight, not to mention that  _ he  _ was the one driving the car and was left with the thought that he had ran over someone. Junhoe is mad too, angry even, but he knows that in order to calm his hyung down, he should take it upon himself and act as the bigger person. 

"Hyung, c’mon. Calm down for a bit. Look at it this way, at least we're not going to jail. Right?" 

Jinhwan exhales loudly, closes his eyes and says as if he’s reading it on paper, "I didn't actually run over someone." 

"There! You got it." 

"I wasn't drunk driving and over-speeding in the middle of the night." 

Junhoe hesitates. "Uh, yeah, about that -" 

"Shut up." 

They head back to the group when Junhoe is sure that Jinhwan wouldn't lash out at the boy (he made him cross his heart twice). Junhoe immediately feels Jiwon burning holes into his face, which he just chooses to ignore. 

The stranger, or Jiwon's companion (Junhoe still does not know of his name) has an arm clutched around the collar of the boy's neck, as if the latter would be at large at any second. 

"I'll take him from here, if you two don't mind." He flashes the brightest smile Junhoe has ever seen, it could actually put the sun to shame. 

"We would-" 

"Okay." 

Jinhwan shoots him a glare. Junhoe does not as much flinch. 

"Hyung, he's just a kid. Just let him go." 

After a few seconds of tense silence, Jinhwan finally gives in. 

" _ Fine _ . But I swear on my grave, if I ever see you again, I would do more than just hit you with a car." 

(Junhoe learns later that the boy's name is Chanwoo, and the other man - Jiwon's companion - is Donghyuk.) 

Chanwoo flinches at Jinhwan's threat, and mumbles a barely audible apology before he gets dragged by Donghyuk by the collar. 

Donghyuk waves at them before stepping into the vehicle and they watch as they drive into the night, and disappear out of sight. 

"So," 

Now it's Junhoe's turn to flinch, when he's suddenly reminded of the company left behind with them. 

"Are you guys okay? Do you want me to drive you home?" 

"Yes."

"No." 

Jinhwan and Junhoe glare at each other again for what felt like the hundredth time that night. 

"You can't just leave him here." Jinhwan says between gritted teeth. 

"I wasn't planning on that!" Junhoe hisses back. 

"Then what-" 

Junhoe feels his cheeks heat up when he hears Jiwon clear his throat. 

"I’m right here. I can hear everything." 

Jinhwan gives him a final nudge before taking a step back, leaving it all to Junhoe to talk to the other guy. 

What friends are for, really. 

"We appreciate the offer but we don't really need a drive home. We can just drop you off and we can handle ourselves from there." 

Jinhwan snorts behind him. 

"But you can't drive." Jiwon's voice is so quiet that Junhoe almost misses what he said. "Unless you learned after..." 

"Yeah, I can drive now." Junhoe answers quickly, ignoring how his heart picks up speed in his chest. Jiwon smiles timidly, his eyes holding the look of pride even though he is in no way responsible of Junhoe's little achievement. 

Crazy how a lot of things changed since Junhoe and Jiwon last saw each other. Among other things, Junhoe can drive now, and he has learned to be more patient (Though Jinhwan still puts him to the test every day). 

Also, he has learned to put cereal before milk, has grown an unexpected fondness towards cats, and has now a daily routine of watering the plants outside his apartment door, a habit that he picked up ever since Jiwon walked out of his life, because now that he's gone, who's gonna sustain them to life? 

"But Junhoe, you drive like a cow going through labor." 

Jiwon chuckles whole-heartedly and Junhoe never wanted to push Jinhwan off a cliff more than ever.

"It's true!" Jinhwan cries defensively when Junhoe glowers at him. 

"If you want, you guys can stay over at my place for the night. I can only imagine how tired you are after what you've gone through tonight." 

"That is a  _ great _ idea." Jinhwan beams, and from the way Jiwon returns his smile, Junhoe knows that the decision is pretty much made, leaving him no say in the matter.

Jinhwan calls dibs on the backseat, muttering about being dead beat and wanting to sleep for a whole year. 

The dreadful thought lingers in his head, but it doesn't really start sinking in until Jiwon calls for his attention. 

"I hope you don't mind taking shotgun. I'm not really a big fan of cows in labor." 

Jiwon still laughs the same way Junhoe remembers it - loud, obnoxious, insufferable, annoying, and really  _ really  _ enchanting. 

He's going to spend the entire drive to Jiwon's home with Jiwon beside him at the front seat. Junhoe isn't exactly sure what to feel about that.

The drive, much not like Junhoe's expectation, is awkwardly quiet. Save with the music playing on the radio and Jinhwan's quiet snores in the background, no one really says anything. Junhoe makes a mental note of killing Jinhwan in his sleep later, because that idiot  _ never  _ snores and he's clearly just setting Junhoe up for his own entertainment. 

Maybe it's better this way, sitting in the car with Jiwon in silence. It's not like Junhoe has anything to say to him, and clearly, Jiwon doesn't have anything to say to him either. 

Right… 

Junhoe brushes the heavy feeling in his chest and tries if he can get some sleep. But that's what he'd been trying to do since they set off the road, and Jiwon's damn presence beside him makes him utterly conscious that he can't just find himself succeeding in that intention.

"So, you drink now too?" 

Junhoe curses his heart for racing instinctively when Jiwon suddenly speaks into the silence.

He guesses that both Jinhwan and him must have reeked so bad of alcohol that Jiwon couldn't help but notice. A part of him wanted to lie, to say that it's all just Jinhwan who drowned himself in booze tonight. The other part of him wanted to tell the truth, and to even go to such extent to tell Jiwon that it's actually his first time drinking, but that's just TMI. 

So instead he settles with, "Yeah." 

This is the part where Jiwon tells him about Donghyuk - how the said boy knows Chanwoo not only because he’s Donghyuk’s junior from college, but is also infamous for his crazy pranks, while the most recent being -  _ wait for it _ \- throwing himself in front of four-wheeled vehicles and acting like he’s harmed! All that for the accident insurance, and other sorts of compensation he asks from the people  _ 'who ran him over'. _

"That kid is sick."

"Tell me about it."

The silence that followed was deafening - the radio had tuned into full static mode as they had probably went out of coverage, and Jinhwan's snores, for some odd reason, had waned off (that little fucker). Junhoe forces his eyes to focus on the road as they enter a familiar route on the way to Jiwon's home. 

"How have you been, Junhoe?"

If there's anything Junhoe hates more in this world, it's small talk. But the way the question slurs out of Jiwon's tongue, the way his voice held apparent sincerity, made Junhoe almost believe that he didn't just ask it for the sake of small talk. 

Maybe, just maybe, Jiwon actually wants to know how Junhoe had been lately. 

"Same old." Junhoe wants to add that not much had changed, but that'd be just a lie, because it had only been an hour since Jiwon saw him again, and the guy had already noticed a number of things that had changed in Junhoe. 

"I'm graduating this February." 

That just came out of Junhoe's mouth. He starts to mentally scold himself because what does Jiwon care if he's graduating in February? 

However, Jiwon - sweet  _ sweet  _ Jiwon - perks up at the news. 

"That's great, Junhoe! Wow..." Jiwon trails off, his eyes glazing at the road up ahead as though he is in deep thought. 

Then he smiles, like he remembers some pleasant memory at the back of his mind and says, 

"I'm proud of you."

The sentence pierces through Junhoe's heart like a knife, because he  _ knows -  _ they both know - how Junhoe had persevered in the last five years to get to where he is now. 

"Thank you." Junhoe manages without his voice cracking, and for that, he's relieved.

They pull up at Jiwon's apartment finally, and the latter immediately walks out of the driver's seat to help a sleepy Jinhwan out of the car, and while he's at it, while he has his eyes off the front seat, Junhoe wipes his tears away.

  
  
  


On Junhoe's first year in college, he had this roommate called Kim Hanbin. Hanbin was a second year music major, and Junhoe thought he was the best roommate anyone could ever have. For one thing, he never spends the night at their dorm, giving Junhoe the liberty to randomly scream and belt out songs at the top of his voice without having anyone to tell him off about it. 

Hanbin only ever comes back at the dorm some time in the morning, and when Junhoe shoots him a questioning glare, he only responds with a quick, "Song writing." before disappearing into his room. 

"I hope it's worth it!" Junhoe yells over the closed door. 

"It is!" comes the response. 

And it  _ was  _ worth it, because Junhoe, having a special roommate privilege of being one of the first people to listen to some of Hanbin's self-produced songs, realized just how beautiful the fruits of hard work can be. 

Enter: Kim Jiwon, a Business Marketing major who shared one -  _ one  _ \- class with Hanbin, but proceeds to follow the other around like they were in the same major. (Junhoe thought that that was the case at first, he only learns later that Jiwon was simply intrigued by Hanbin’s songwriting process and keeps bugging the other guy to show him how he does it. But Hanbin’s a tough nut to crack, as is Jiwon’s a dedicated stubborn man, so the game of tag ensued for a whole while.)

Junhoe met him at the hall outside of their dorm room. Seeing an unfamiliar face lean against their door made Junhoe think that he had gotten on the wrong floor, but he saw the room number just over the guy's shoulder, and confirmed that he was, indeed, on the right floor. 

"Um, excuse me? You're blocking my door." 

"Oh!" The guy immediately walked out of the way, grinning a little too widely. 

Junhoe unlocked the door hastily, but the guy spoke up first before he can even fling himself inside and avoid the stranger.

"Are you Hanbin's roommate?" 

Oh. 

Hanbin rarely had any visitors over (try: never) so it never occurred to Junhoe that the guy was there for his roommate. 

Reluctantly, Junhoe turns to face him. 

"Yeah. But Hanbin doesn't really come home until morning. You should try to come back tomorrow, if he's not half-dead, that is." Junhoe mumbled the last phrase to himself, but it appeared that the other heard him loud and clear.

He laughed, while Junhoe frowned because who the hell laughs so openly around other strangers like that? 

Junhoe took that moment to properly look at the guy. He had to admit, for a person who's only wearing a plain white shirt, baggy ripped jeans and a pair of sneakers, he's killing it. He wore a black snapback over his head so Junhoe couldn't say (judge) much of his hair.

"That guy really needs to keep his sleeping habits in check." 

Junhoe awkwardly laughed. "Yeah." 

"It's Bobby, by the way. But you can call me Jiwon." 

"Junhoe." Junhoe takes the hand that Jiwon had put out, noting how the other's hand feels a little too warm for his liking.

Jiwon came to their dorm quite frequently after that - always asking if Hanbin's over, and at some moments when he wasn't, Jiwon had asked if he can stay and wait for him. Junhoe couldn't really say no, he wasn't his guest after all. 

The frequent disturbance didn't exactly make Junhoe comfortable, as he was never the one to easily warm up to acquaintances. It doesn't help that he sometimes catches Jiwon sneaking glances at his direction, which, if Junhoe's to be completely honest, downright creeps him out. 

Jiwon had always asked for Hanbin whenever he came over their dorm, until one day, he appeared at their front door emanating a different aura from what Junhoe was used to. 

Junhoe let him in without a word, and as always, he asked, "Is Hanbin home?" 

"No." 

"Good." 

Junhoe frowned at him then, allowing himself to stare at the other man. Then he realized that the  _ difference  _ about Jiwon that particular day was that his confident disposition was completely stripped away from him, leaving him all jittery in front of Junhoe. 

Jiwon avoided his gaze as he slowly lifts his hands up to show a couple of DVDs that he had been holding the whole time. 

"Do you want to watch these with me?" 

Jiwon had always asked for Hanbin whenever he came over their dorm, until one day, he doesn't. 

  
  
  


If you'd tell Junhoe that he'd be spending a night at his ex's apartment several months before, he would have laughed at your face, and go about his day pretending that the prickling feeling that erupted in his chest after the mention of his ex boyfriend didn't exist. 

It seemed like  _ after  _ Junhoe had accepted that the relationship has no chance to work out again  _ ever,  _ he had been convincing himself that he's completely over it, that he's completely over Jiwon. 

But  _ acceptance  _ and  _ moving on  _ are two different things, and apparently, Junhoe doesn't even know that he had been interchanging the two terms all this time. 

As soon as they step into the foyer of Jiwon's apartment, Junhoe feels a huge wave of nostalgia crashing down on him, and he finds it in himself to keep his feet steady, especially when he's holding half of Jinhwan's weight on him. For a petite man, Jinhwan does feel pretty heavy. 

Before Junhoe can even dive into unnecessary thoughts, he feels Jiwon, who had been supporting Jinhwan's other side, tug Jinhwan's body towards the direction of his room, but Junhoe resists. 

"You can take my room-" 

"We’ll be fine in the living room." Junhoe interrupts flatly then wraps an arm around Jinhwan's waist, dragging him towards where he last remembers the living room is located, leaving a very dumbfounded Jiwon. 

He throws Jinhwan on the couch in such ungraceful manner, making the older grumble in annoyance in his sleep. Junhoe sighs and props himself on the loveseat, daring not to look around the familiar room as he closes his eyes and leans his head on the headrest. 

The fatigue caused by the events that happened that night finally takes its toll on him, his body melting into the furniture on its own, and if his head isn’t buzzing too much he would have dozed off right there and then. 

He hears light footsteps shuffling closer, and for a moment, Junhoe considers pretending to be asleep. 

“Junhoe?” Jiwon’s voice comes out as a whisper, probably to avoid startling Jinhan awake, but it makes the aforementioned man shiver. 

Junhoe finally opens his eyes and can make out Jiwon’s silhouette in the middle of the room, holding a pile of what looks like folded clothes. Jiwon takes a step closer and hands them without a word. 

“Thank you.” 

“The offer’s still up, you know.” Jiwon motions to the direction of his bedroom. 

“We’re good.” Junhoe smiles timidly, though he doubts Jiwon could even see. 

For a moment, Jiwon just stands there, and it’s too dark for Junhoe to read the expression on his face, so all Junhoe can do is just sit there, and pray that Jiwon would hurry up and leave.

Instead, he speaks up, “Ah! Donghyuk wanted me to tell you that Chanwoo said that he’s very sorry.” 

Junhoe shrugs. “Sorry’s good enough for me, I don’t know about this guy.” He points at Jinhwan, who’s arm had shot up over his head and is now bending in such an uncomfortable position. Junhoe chuckles lightly and reaches over to fix his arm, and when Jinhwan whines in his sleep, he ruffles the older’s hair just for the hell of it. 

Junhoe still couldn’t make out Jiwon’s expression (it’s still dark), but he feels the other’s eyes on him. Junhoe clears his throat as he sits back on his seat. 

“Send Donghyuk our thanks as well.” 

Jiwon seems to have snapped out of himself when Junhoe spoke, and when he starts to speak, the words sounded as though it were said with a smile. 

“You can tell him yourself. He’ll be home in a minute.” 

“He lives here?” 

The words were out before Junhoe can even stop himself, and what makes it even worse is the apparent surprise in his tone. 

Jiwon huffs something that sounds a lot like a combination of a scoff and a laugh. Junhoe doesn’t really know what to make of it, except maybe, whatever the hell it means, he deserves it for having no control over his brain to mouth filter. 

“Yeah.” Jiwon answers shortly before leaving the room without another word, making Junhoe feel dumb and numb and all these other feelings that makes him want to crawl under the carpet on the floor. 

Jiwon comes back holding a few extra pillows, but what catches Junhoe’s eyes is the fabric placed in between these, the familiar pattern causing his breath to catch in his throat. Seemingly oblivious to Junhoe’s reaction, Jiwon places the pillows on the floor. 

“If you need anything else, I’ll be in my room. You know where it is, right?”

Junhoe laughs awkwardly at the question, because it’s funny. Junhoe could navigate his way towards that room with his eyes closed. 

“Of course you do.” Jiwon mutters quickly, his tone light with a hint of embarrassment. 

Junhoe starts to think if Jiwon’s suddenly reminded of all the things they did in that room, which he  _ really  _ shouldn’t be thinking about AT ALL. 

Jiwon finally turns to leave, stops on his tracks, then says in a voice so low that Junhoe almost misses it, “Good night.” 

Junhoe wasn’t able to say it back, because Jiwon flees right away. 

In the dark, Junhoe places a hand over his chest, denying to himself that it is beating louder than it normally does as he convinces himself that it’s only so because of the silence in the room. 

He glances at the pillows, and reluctantly, grabs for the blanket in between them. 

The blue dragon embroidered on it stares back at Junhoe with its slithering tongue, and the nostalgic feeling returns to him once again. (Though Junhoe starts to think that it hasn't actually left him since he first stepped foot in this apartment). 

It was a present for Jiwon when Junhoe and his family went on a week long vacation in China. Junhoe's bad at choosing presents, and every time he has to give someone something, he always asks them what they want. (He always ends up spoiling his secret santa because of this.) 

Jiwon said he didn't really want anything, but Junhoe was persistent, and so Jiwon was left to joke that he wanted a dragon. 

'I don't think dragons are real, babe.' Junhoe messaged him, and Jiwon replied with what looked like a hundred laughing emojis. 

It just so happened that Junhoe spotted this dragon blanket during a shopping spree at a local market, and didn't even think twice about getting it. 

Junhoe shifted his weight on his feet nervously when he handed Jiwon the blanket for the first time. "It's not the kind of dragon you wanted, but-" 

Jiwon laughed so endearingly before peppering Junhoe with kisses. Junhoe interpreted the gesture that Jiwon likes it, and for that, Junhoe was happy. 

A voice, which sounds oddly a lot like Jinhwan, pops in his head all of a sudden, asking that same question which he tried to avoid earlier. 

_ You're still not over him, are you? _

He grabs a pillow and places it on the floor right beside the couch, the other he chucks towards Jinhwan, who is now laying on his stomach, so the pillow rests behind his back. He rests his head against the one on the floor, gently wraps himself with the blanket, then thinks.

Of course, he’s over Jiwon. If you put anyone in his situation, they’d be acting the same way. They’d go through the same heart racing, breath hitching, mind spinning, overly conscious sentiments. Surely, anyone brought in a situation in which they had to face their ex-lover again would feel all those things, right? 

Junhoe snaps out of himself when he hears a whimper. He cranes his neck towards the couch to see that Jinhwan has started weeping in his sleep, a wave of guilt settling in his chest when he realizes that Jinhwan had just gone through what is probably the worst night of his life. 

Jinhwan is usually very expressive of his feelings. He’s an open book, and most of the time, there isn’t a need for him to voice his feelings out because Junhoe almost always understands right away. Whether it’s another thing about being older and not wanting to burden Junhoe with his troubles, Junhoe promises right then that he would make Jinhwan speak up more, if it means squeezing the words out of him. 

Junhoe reaches out to rub Jinhwan on the back, making the latter finally calm down a tad bit. 

"I'm sorry, hyung." He whispers, though he's not exactly sure what he's sorry for. For everything, maybe. For being a horrible friend, yeah. 

Junhoe spent the entire night worrying about something -  _ someone _ \- that is already in the past to realize that Jinhwan's going through something that is still pretty much in his present, and now that Junhoe thinks about it, the guilt only worsens and he feels like nothing but shit. 

"I'm sorry." He says again, before placing a light kiss on the top of Jinhwan's head. 

Junhoe lays back down on the floor with his hand still reaching over the couch. This time, his hand is wrapped securely around Jinhwan's. Junhoe lost count of the circles he drew on the back of the older's hand, before he finally drifts off to sleep. 

  
  
  


Junhoe dreams of chinese evergreens, refrigerator lights, and starry skies. 

  
  
  


Hanbin moved out of their dorm right after the last term of Junhoe's sophomore year ended.

It wasn't the best term for Junhoe. It seemed like he lost a lot of things in those 5 months alone. 

First, there was his dog, who had passed before Junhoe even had the chance to play with her one last time. When his sister phoned him at an ungodly hour in the morning, crying, Junhoe immediately  _ knew.  _

Second, he failed a subject for the first time, making him doubt if he can even manage to pursue until the end, losing a huge chunk of his self-confidence. 

Third, Hanbin's moving out, which means Junhoe has too, because there's no way he can afford the whole unit to himself. He's losing two things at once, Junhoe realized. A friend, and a home. 

Junhoe still thinks about Hanbin sometimes. From his dazed expression, to the little band aids he plasters on his cheek... from his determination, to the random advice he gives Junhoe on the rare occasions where they get to eat meals together. 

"The word happiness is too vague, but I hope you find life worth living everyday...” 

Junhoe remembers staring at Hanbin over his bowl of cereal when he suddenly said the words out as though he read it off some book. Junhoe was convinced that the guy was crazy, until years have passed, and Junhoe still finds himself clinging to every word of what Hanbin has said, and concludes that Hanbin might just be the wisest man Junhoe has ever met. 

Hanbin waved at him one last time before getting into his cab, beaming like there wasn't anything in the world that could wipe his smile, his happiness, away. (And maybe there wasn't.) That was the day they both moved out of their dorm, and Junhoe hasn't heard from him since. 

Junhoe found a smaller unit a few blocks away from their first apartment. It was substantially  _ smaller _ , but he had the whole thing for himself, which made up for it. 

Junhoe lost a lot of things during that particular moment in his life, making him realize that the temporary will always outnumber the constant, and that's okay, because whether he faces life with just one constant beside him, for Junhoe, that is already enough.

With Hanbin gone, Junhoe didn't think Jiwon would keep sticking around. Junhoe was almost prepared for him to disappear out of his life, almost. The only thing that kept him was the heavy feeling in his chest of not seeing Jiwon's bunny smile ever again. 

But Jiwon  _ did  _ stick around, and Junhoe wasn't sure if he was more relieved or more annoyed by that, because he didn't particularly like the way his heart did somersaults in his chest every time Jiwon appeared on his front door. 

"You didn't tell me you started raising plants!" Jiwon greeted him enthusiastically, a week after Junhoe had settled into his new home. 

"What?" 

Jiwon pointed at the pots by Junhoe's front door, where the same type of plant with wide leaf blades sat on either side of the door. Junhoe never noticed them before, but then again, he's never particularly perceptive of his surroundings that much. 

"It was already there when I moved in." Junhoe said as Jiwon helped himself inside the apartment. "Do you wanna take it?" 

Jiwon frowned then. "Don't be silly. I'm not taking what's yours." 

"But those aren't mine. You know I don't like raising things on my own." 

Jiwon paused as he ponders for a moment. "I didn't know that." 

"Well, now you do." 

"Okay. Then, we'll raise it together!" 

" _ What?"  _

Jiwon ended up tending to the plants all by himself. All Junhoe contributed were the little area in front of his door for the plants to settle into, and the seldom sprinkling of water he does when Jiwon couldn't visit his apartment. 

Junhoe wouldn't admit it, but he never really liked it when he had to water the plants, and it's not even because he's lazy, or busy. 

All throughout their relationship, Junhoe hadn't claimed ownership to the plants. It had always been Jiwon's, and Jiwon's alone. That is, until two years later, when Jiwon had stopped coming to Junhoe's apartment and there were no messages to remind him to water the plants, leaving Junhoe with a broken heart and a huge burden of responsibility. 

Junhoe realized then that the constants in his life can turn into variables too, and that they are capable of change much like everything else. 

Junhoe had never claimed the plants as his own, until the day Jiwon left and Junhoe noticed the first lili blooming from the evergreen. 

  
  
  


Junhoe stirs when he's awoken by hushed voices and a faint light that momentarily blinds him. He squints at the light's direction and can make out two silhouettes, their heads pressed together. When Junhoe opens his eyes again, the light is out, and he catches a glimpse of the silhouettes moving along in the same direction, towards Jiwon's bedroom. 

  
  
  


The thing about Junhoe - he rants  _ a lot _ , but only with the simplest and most petty things. It can range from a mere smudge on his shirt caused by none other than himself, to a lazy dependent groupmate who barely gives two shits for their research project - just little things that he and Jinhwan can bitch together about and eventually forget over a tub of ice cream. 

The  _ real  _ problems, as much as possible, he tries to keep to himself. He thinks that they’re already heavy enough for him to carry, and he doesn’t want to burden anyone further with their weight. He doesn’t want to be a burden. He doesn’t want to seek advice, because people almost always say the same thing anyway. 

For him, problems are like battles. Advices are the weapons being handed unto you by your commander. Sometimes you take the katana, or the revolver, or the spear, but no such weapon can carry you to victory if the soldier doesn’t know his way on combat. Junhoe believes, whether he takes their advices or not, it’s still his own battle to win (or lose). 

Junhoe may bitch about a lot of things, and he may also have the usual academic and emotional problems just like any other normal college student would, but he never cries. At least, not in front of other people. 

The first time Jiwon saw him cry, Junhoe promised that it would also be the last. 

Junhoe had a lot on his mind that day - there’s this friend who had suddenly been giving him the cold shoulder, and he’s been reading too much into it that he can’t seem to pluck up the courage to ask if he had done anything wrong. There’s the finals week approaching utterly fast - two pending presentations, one essay, and five exams. And last but not the least, there was this big fat red mark on his returned test paper. (Or maybe it  _ was  _ the least?) 

It was all he could think about all day - up until he swings his front door open, all he could see was that flashing red single digit number before his eyes. 

He was  _ so  _ certain he was gonna fail his Fluid Mechanics subject. 

It doesn’t make him feel better knowing that the rest of his classmates had passing marks. Is he really that  _ stupid _ ? Is he even cut out for this? Is it okay for him to quit now, or is it too late? 

Junhoe sprawled himself on the bed, determined to wallow in self-pity for a good thirty minutes before getting into his school work. His phone buzzed, and he reluctantly lifts it up to his face to read the notification. 

It was Woojin, the one leading their group presentation in their other major subject, reminding everyone to send in the topics that they prepared for the report so he can compile it in a single file. 

Junhoe's got no problem with that because he has already worked on it last night, and all that's left for him to do is-

“Oh shit!” Junhoe sat up abruptly, feeling the whole world crash down on him when he came upon a realization. 

He rushed to his backpack at the corner of the room, and rummaged through the stack of books and papers, and cursed once again when he confirmed that the thing he was looking for wasn’t there. 

“ _ Shit shit shit _ .” He stumbled to the living room, hoping, wishing that he just left his laptop on the couch or something. But it wasn’t there of course, because Junhoe clearly remembers bringing it along with him this morning, and then coming home, just a few minutes ago, without his laptop bag. 

He couldn’t believe it. He was too preoccupied with the thoughts of his failing mark, of his pending projects and exams, of the friend he was on the verge of losing, that he actually forgot his laptop in the library. The laptop which had all the presentations he stayed up for last night, that he  _ didn’t  _ save in his drive or anything, so he had no choice but to go all the way back to uni to retrieve it. That is, if no one gets to it first and takes it home like it was theirs in the first place. 

Junhoe felt something constrict in his throat, the panic rising in his chest at an alarmingly fast rate. He tried to remember anyone he knows who stayed behind the library before he left. 

_ Jihyo _ ! That’s right. He can call Jihyo. 

His hands were shaking when he dialled her number. Silently praying that she’d be at the same place and same time as his laptop was, Junhoe brings the device up to his ear, swallowing the lump in his throat. 

“Junhoe?” 

“Jihyo! Hi. Sorry for disturbing you, but I was just- I was wondering if you’re still in the library?” 

“Oh yeah. Still here. Why?” 

“O-oh! Cool. Um. Sorry for asking you this, but can you please check if my laptop’s still on the desk where I was earlier?” 

Jihyo laughed, but it didn’t sound like she was making fun of him. Junhoe bit his lip as he heard shuffling from the other line. After a few seconds, Jihyo speaks up again. 

“Got it.” 

“Oh, God. Thank you, Jihyo. Thank you so much. I’ll head over right now to fetch it.” 

“Sure, and don’t worry about making me wait for you. I plan to stay until the library closes anyway.” 

The weight in his chest gradually subsided, and he lets out a small smile despite knowing Jihyo couldn’t see him. “Thanks again.” 

Junhoe releases the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. It was a huge relief now that he knows that his laptop is in safe hands. Now he just has to commute all the way to campus, and back. He tried not to think that it's the rush hour, and that it would probably take him an hour or two to get back home. He'd probably be dead beat when he gets home later. Will he still have the energy and time to study for his exam tomorrow? Will he be able to - 

Junhoe halted by the front door when he sees a figure blocking his way. Jiwon was holding two bags of takeaway food and the grin on his face was immediately replaced by a frown when he takes a proper look at Junhoe. It didn’t even take three seconds. 

Jiwon noticed that something was wrong right away.

"What's wrong?" Jiwon took a reluctant step closer, worry etched on his face. 

Maybe Junhoe just hadn't tried to suppress his emotions enough. Maybe all of the things that happened to him that day was just too much. Maybe it was the way Jiwon dropped the bags of japanese takeaway on the front door and took his hands in his, gently, carefully, expressing his comfort through his touch. Maybe it was the way Jiwon stared at him with such concern that allowed the walls around Junhoe to finally break. And Junhoe lets him through. Junhoe lets Jiwon through. 

Junhoe stared down at his feet and finally let the tears burst. Jiwon said nothing as he pulls him close. Junhoe immediately buries his face in the crook of Jiwon's neck, and allowed himself to melt into the hug. 

Jiwon offered to drive him to campus after Junhoe explained his situation, and Junhoe, despite never the one to want to burden anyone, just couldn't bring himself to say no. 

Jiwon didn't ask any questions throughout the entire ride and back, and for that, Junhoe was grateful. 

  
  


Junhoe only ever pulls an all-nighter whenever he has to, and that particular situation definitely called for one. His pessimist mind tells him that the scale is tipping substantially on the big fat words that says ‘FAIL’, but another part of him urges him to just try his best and do well in the final exam, so he can at least get a shot to balance it all out. The rest he leaves in the hands of divine intervention. 

Jiwon stayed over that night, said he would accompany Junhoe so he wouldn’t feel lonely or scared (“I’m not scared of my own apartment, Jiwon.”) for when he has to stay up until the wee hours, studying. 

It was already past 1 am and Junhoe was hunched over his kitchen table solving equations after equations, piles of problem sets strewn all over the place. He hears Jiwon approach from the living room but he doesn't look up. 

A few seconds later, he feels Jiwon's presence stop right across the kitchen table. 

"I think you should take a break."

"I'm fine." 

"Come on, babe. You've been studying for 2 hours straight. Just give me ten minutes." 

Junhoe finally looks up at him, urged mostly by surprise. 

"Give  _ you  _ ten minutes?" 

Jiwon grins, and pulls out his phone from his pocket. After fiddling with it for a couple of seconds, a soft melody fills the air. 

"What are you-?" 

Jiwon moves towards the corner and without a warning whatsoever, he switches the light off. 

"Jiwon!" Junhoe yells into the darkness. He stands up on his seat to attempt to turn it back on, or if he manages to catch Jiwon, strangle him maybe (whichever comes first), but before he can even reach the light switch, another source of light starts to bring a pale orange glow into the room. 

Junhoe turns and sees Jiwon approaching him slowly from the open refrigerator door, grinning from ear to ear like he has just done the cleverest thing ever. He stops a few steps away, and to Junhoe's horror, he bends over in a bow, holding his hand out in a respectful manner. 

Then Jiwon says, "Can I have this dance?" 

"You're an idiot." 

Jiwon laughs, head still bent over. Junhoe makes no move in taking his hand, delaying it on purpose to try to gauge a reaction out of the other man. 

"Babe, please take my offer. I'm starting to think I'm not pretty cool." 

Junhoe laughs out loud and finally,  _ finally  _ places his hand on top of Jiwon's palm. Jiwon rises with a smile that could put the sun to shame, and Junhoe knows he's mirroring the same expression. 

Their arms find their way around each other - Jiwon's around Junhoe's waist, and Junhoe's on Jiwon's shoulders. 

They sway along to the song playing on Jiwon's phone, with only the refrigerator light to guide them on their makeshift dance floor in the limited area of the kitchen.

"What?" Jiwon suddenly asks, a sweet yet nervous smile adorning his face. It’s only then that Junhoe realizes that he has been chuckling lightly. His heart feels like it's flying, soaring high and up into the air. The song sounds so  _ perfect,  _ setting the whole place and mood in such a romantic aura that he couldn’t have thought possible for his cramped kitchen. He likes how Jiwon is pressed so close to his body, how the refrigerator light casts shadows on his face and he’s just -  _ beautiful _ . Otherworldly. Captivating. 

Jiwon is captivating. 

"I knew you were into sappy shit, but with all  _ this _ , Jiwon, wow. You have reached your peak sappiness level.” 

Jiwon lets out a hearty laugh, his head throwing back as his guffaw echoes into the room. “Is sappiness even a word?” 

“I have no idea.” Junhoe laughs along, and for a while, they were just laughing, both couldn’t find the right mind and strength to move fluidly in their swaying. Then the song reached a part where it got Jiwon to straighten up and take Junhoe’s hands in his, pulling him close and pressing their foreheads together. 

“ _ Take my hand, take my whole life too… _ ”

Jiwon’s voice is gruff, and every word, every note leaving his lips is filled with the kind of sincerity that sends Junhoe’s mind spinning. The light in his eyes stare right into Junhoe’s soul, and his warm breath tingles Junhoe’s lips, sending shivers down his spine.

“ _ For I can’t help falling in love you.” _

At that moment, there was no upcoming exam that troubled Junhoe, all the anxiety and stress that the day had brought about had been forgotten. It seemed like all his problems were thrown out the window, like nothing in the world mattered at that very moment. Aside from Jiwon. Nothing else mattered except for the man in front of him right now. 

“Me too.” Junhoe mutters, breathless and a little dazed. 

“What?” Jiwon chuckles. 

Junhoe couldn’t take it anymore. He grabs Jiwon by the collar and pulls him in for a kiss. 

  
  
  


Rays of sunlight seep through the window blinds, and Junhoe brings an arm up to cover his eyes from the blinding light. For a moment, everything is okay. It's that fleeting time between being asleep and being consciously awake. It's right after waking up when you have no recollection of who you are or what you do or what day it is. The oblivion. It lasted roughly three seconds. 

And then it hits him. 

As soon as the memories of last night comes rushing back in his mind,  _ as soon as he remembers where he is _ , Junhoe bolts upright like he had just woken up from a nightmare. His heart is thumping wildly in his chest. His head is throbbing, but Junhoe’s certain that it isn’t caused by a hangover, no.  _ Last night was all just a dream, wasn’t it?  _

No. 

Junhoe rubs his eyes and looks around the room. This is Jiwon’s living room. He’s really in Jiwon’s apartment. Last night  _ did  _ happen. 

Junhoe turns to the sofa to find it empty, the blanket and pillow neatly folded and tucked in a corner. He opens his mouth to call out for Jinhwan, but all that came out of his mouth is an unappealing croaking sound, and he chokes, and Junhoe coughs again and again until the itch in his throat subsides. 

“Oh, you’re awake!” 

Junhoe whirls around to find Jinhwan by the kitchen entrance, clad in a yellow apron. He’s wearing a fresh white shirt that Jiwon must have lent him this morning. As if on cue, Jiwon’s chuckling rings from the kitchen, blending together with another high-pitched laughter that Junhoe hasn’t heard before. Donghyuk’s, probably. 

“You should wash up. We’re almost done prepping breakfast.” 

Junhoe frowns at Jinhwan’s direction, confused. He feels like he’s missing something. Just how long exactly had Jinhwan been up for him to be helping Jiwon and Donghyuk around in the kitchen like they’re long time friends? 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Jinhwan begins, making his way towards Junhoe to help him up. He hoists Junhoe up in relative ease as if the guy isn’t 13 centimeters tall. 

“Yellow isn’t my best color, I know, but Bobby didn’t have anything else.” 

Junhoe shakes his head. “No, you’re killing it.”

The older beams at the compliment, then urges Junhoe towards the bathroom. 

“Go wash up. We’ll meet you in the kitchen.” 

Junhoe took his time. He’s not really eager to be in the same dining table as his ex-boyfriend and his ex-boyfriend’s (possibly) current boyfriend. Just thinking about it makes Junhoe’s stomach twist in tight knots. This is all Jinhwan’s fault. If only he wasn’t so cordial and responsible and very eager to help out in the kitchen, Junhoe could have come up with a way to sneak them out of the apartment without the other two from noticing. If  _ only  _ Jinhwan hadn’t run over that stupid Chanwoo boy last night, Junhoe wouldn’t even  _ be  _ in his ex’s dwelling right now. 

Junhoe leaves the tap running as he stares at his reflection. Now that he has completely sobered up, had enough rest, and has a better functioning head than the previous night, it has become clearer to him that all of  _ this  _ should not have happened. 

Junhoe shouldn't have dialled him last night. Jiwon shouldn't have rushed to pick them up. They never should have seen each other. Fuck, Junhoe shouldn't  _ be _ in Jiwon's bathroom right now. 

He takes a deep breath, holds it in for three seconds, and exhales slowly. He turns the tap off, and with a final glance at his reflection, Junhoe storms out with a gain of microscopic confidence. 

" _ Finally. _ You took ages." Jinhwan sits opposite Donghyuk, who beams at him and enthusiastically greets him with a good morning. 

The lot of them has already settled down on the table, the food placed nicely and untouched. Junhoe feels compelled to mutter out an apology when he realized that they had all been waiting for him. 

“You’re good, Junhoe-yah. We didn’t even wait that long.” 

Cue: fireworks, and butterflies, and all the foul words Junhoe has learned over the course of his life. 

_ Junhoe-yah.  _ It's been a while since Junhoe has been called that way. 

Jiwon is smiling at him so softly, the same kind that never fails to make Junhoe weak on the knees. The image of Jiwon sitting down on the kitchen table, smiling and waiting for Junhoe to join him for breakfast, hits him with a strong wave of nostalgia. Jiwon’s smiling at him right now like they haven’t broken up. It’s as if they’re still together. 

And it bothers Junhoe a little bit, because he knows Jiwon  _ shouldn’t _ . 

The only vacant seat left is the one across Jiwon. For some reason, Junhoe feels like this is all done on purpose by Jinhwan’s little scheme, so he settles down having no other choice while sending over a glare towards his friend. 

“Let’s dig in!” Jinhwan yells excitedly before reaching over for the omelettes. He had just placed two egg rolls on his plate when he noticed that Jiwon and Donghyuk have bowed their heads down in a prayer. 

“Oh, sorry.” Jinhwan hastily places the plate back with a clatter before clasping his hands together, shuts his eyes and pretends to mutter a prayer. 

Junhoe holds back a snort.

Jinhwan isn’t even religious (he’s not even baptized), so seeing him follow suit with the habits of the other Christian boys for the sake of politeness and respect was pretty amusing to watch. Junhoe, on the other hand, is used to it.

Jiwon never forgets to say his graces before every meal, and Junhoe's almost surprised with himself that his body still remembers to wait for the prayers to come before digging in. Apparently, Junhoe is  _ still  _ used to it. 

The rest of the meal didn't come off as awkward or uncomfortable, unlike how Junhoe expected it to be. Mostly in courtesy of Jinhwan and Donghyuk, who both clicked immediately. They're like two suns in different universes clashing together to create one bright noisy mess of a world. 

Junhoe only looks up when either of them directs a question at him, but as much as possible, he keeps his gaze on his plate. 

“Coffee for you.” Jinhwan slides a cup towards his direction while sending over a meaningful glance at Junhoe. 

‘What?’ Junhoe mouths, and the older makes the same motion Junhoe recognizes from his mom whenever they were at family gatherings and she forces him to socialize with his stuck up relatives.

Junhoe only gives a slight shake of his head, but accepts the cup wholeheartedly. 

“So, uh, where do you guys work?” 

Junhoe fights the urge to nudge Jinhwan for attempting to direct the conversation into the personal path. Can’t they just proceed with their little Star Wars or Rick and Morty chat which Junhoe can’t relate to so that he would have a legit excuse not to join in their conversation? 

“I’m a real estate agent.” Donghyuk supplies. 

“Oh! That’s cool.” Junhoe’s sort of surprised to hear the genuinity in Jinhwan’s voice. “Hope you’re getting a lot of clients. It must be hard trying to talk to all those people…” Jinhwan shudders. 

Jiwon chuckles. “You don’t have to worry about Donghyuk. He’s a natural charmer. Plus he’s been the agent of the month five times in a row now.” 

Donghyuk makes an embarrassed sound and shies away from Jiwon’s grasp when the latter attempted to drape his arm over his shoulder. Junhoe looks away from them. 

“Don’t put me on a pedestal, hyung. Commission’s not that much. I actually hate my job so much.” Donghyuk addresses the last statements to Jinhwan who grunts in agreement. 

“Literally  _ everyone  _ I know hates their job.” 

“Not this guy, though.” 

Junhoe didn’t have to look up to see who Donghyuk is referring to. He pretends to be very focused on stirring his coffee, but his ears are perking up to whatever Jiwon is going to share. The last time they’ve seen each other, Jiwon was still a fresh graduate who claimed that he wanted to  _ ‘rest’  _ for a few months before seeking out for a job. That happens quite a lot to some fortunate others, and while that short-lived vacation sounds tempting, Junhoe doesn’t think he can do the same and waste more of his precious time. (Six whole years in college was  _ pure hell _ , Junhoe just couldn’t tell you more about it if he could.) 

“It’s not a job.” Jiwon’s voice is low, but the lightness in it tells Junhoe that he’s speaking with a smile on his face. “The center that my brother used to work in was in dire need of an extra pair of hands, and I just happened to be in the right place, at the right time.” 

“In other words, he was available.” Donghyuk interjects. 

“Yes, I was available.” Jiwon rolls his eyes, and Jinhwan laughs. Even Junhoe has a small smile creeping on his face. He didn’t even realize that he has looked up from his plate and cup, and is now staring at the man seated in front of him, hanging on to his every word. 

“It was supposed to be just a one-time thing, but-” Jiwon pauses and chuckles adoringly. The glint in his eyes looks as though he’s reminded of something pleasant. “-the kids were just adorable. They  _ are  _ adorable.” Suddenly, Jiwon looks up and meets Junhoe’s gaze. Junhoe almost looks away. Almost. But the look on Jiwon’s eyes is just so enticing, he couldn’t bring himself to look away. 

“In just one day, and they’ve managed to capture my heart. Their innocence, their smiles, their dreams… It was therapeutic.” 

There’s a moment of silence when Junhoe and Jiwon just continued to stare into each other’s eyes. Junhoe can't bring himself to look away from him, because he just looks  _ so _ happy. It's one of Junhoe's most favorite looks of him, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, but Junhoe missed that glow Jiwon radiated every time he is surging with pure joy. 

"He's also taking over their family business, and trust me when I say I've never seen someone happier selling concrete blocks." 

“Ah, the construction materials business?” 

Everyone turns their heads towards Junhoe when he spoke up. The sudden attention (and not to mention the impetuous question that left his mouth) start to fluster him. Luckily, Jiwon sends a warm smile over at his direction and proceeds as if Junhoe has been participating in the conversation this whole time. 

"Yeah, but Jiun hyung's still pretty much in charge. Says he doesn't trust my entrepreneurial skills enough just yet." Jiwon laughs as he scratches his nape awkwardly. 

“You’re a quick learner. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it real soon.” At the corner of his eye, Junhoe feels the prickling sensation of Jinhwan’s stare boring at the side of his face, but he chooses to ignore him. 

_ Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.  _

“As for me,” Jinhwan says loudly, calling everyone’s attention unto him. "I work as a lab technician in SNU." 

"Woah, really? I went to SNU!"

"I think we all did, Donghyuk. Isn't that how we know each other?" 

"Haha. Right. How come I've never seen you in campus once?" 

"Well, the university  _ is  _ massive, I guess that's why…" 

Junhoe tried to focus on their conversation, he really did. But while his eyes trail back and forth to Donghyuk and Jinhwan, he can't help but feel Jiwon's lingering gaze on him. 

When Junhoe couldn't take it anymore, he turns his head to look at Jiwon. 

It was a wrong move, he realized too late. It only lead to his heart shattering, breaking into a thousand pieces. 

Because Jiwon isn't staring at him. He's staring at Donghyuk. Jiwon's staring at him like he hung the stars in the sky, and Junhoe, having seen it for himself, realizes how that affects him so much.

  
  
  


Donghyuk drives them home. 

As Junhoe sits there in the back seat, tuning out Jinhwan’s and Donghyuk’s chattering, he tries to figure out if he’s more disappointed or relieved by this. The image of Jiwon’s bright smiley face before Junhoe left his apartment earlier replays in his mind like a broken film. And it hurts just thinking about him, thinking about what they used to be, thinking about what they could have been. 

Junhoe tries to steer his thoughts away from the images of Jiwon, but he just  _ can’t _ . It’s like standing by the beach and the wave crashes, pulling you along with the sand by your feet. 

He closes his eyes, but that only seemed to have made the image of Jiwon appear clearer in his mind, and god. _God_ , how Junhoe missed him. 


	2. if you think you've been through worse,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jinhwan has crazier ideas up his sleeves

“-listening to me? Junhoe! Hey, are you all right?” 

Junhoe shakes his head a little to pull himself out of his stupor. Jinhwan peers at him with a worried expression. The older has scooted closer towards him on the couch, and Junhoe didn't even notice. The foreign movie on the television drones on in the background, and he realizes that he missed a whole lot of the film that Junhoe can't even keep up with the storyline anymore. 

Junhoe shakes his head. "Sorry, I spaced out." 

"Again." Jinhwan points out before shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. He smears a little bit of it on the corner of his lips, and Junhoe immediately wipes it away with his bare hand. 

"Are you okay?" Jinhwan asks again for the nth time that day, but Junhoe only heard it properly the first time now. 

"Yeah, I'm just tired." 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

"There's nothing to talk about, hyung." 

Jinhwan didn't look like he is ready to drop it, but he says anyway, "If you say so." 

Silence follows them after that – the only noise coming from the lame sound effects of the movie which they both took 10 minutes to mutually decide to watch. 

It's been three days since _that_ day. Three days since Junhoe last saw Jiwon, three days since the guy has taken over all the significant parts of his mind, distracting him almost every minute of every day. 

It's both simple and complicated at the same time. Simple, because it should have been obvious right from the beginning, right from the first night when Jiwon had rushed to help them with the running-over situation. Complicated, because there have been a whole bunch of feelings involved. Feelings of all sorts which did nothing but confuse the hell out of Junhoe's slow-thinking mind. Whenever he found an answer to a question, a fresh one would pop out of nowhere, and the cycle would repeat. And then again. 

But now, he gets it. Whatever. He's not even going to deny it anymore. 

He doesn't know what had gotten into him when he suddenly says, 

“I’m not over him.” 

It sounded different being said out loud. Now that the words have spilled from his mouth, it seemed _official._ Final. Real. It sounded like the truth, if the way Junhoe's heart started racing like crazy is any indication. 

He's really not over Jiwon. The feelings he thought he had successfully locked up in a box resurfaced once again, and Junhoe doesn't exactly know how to deal with it. 

“What?” 

He can feel Jinhwan's gaze on him, but he doesn't dare look back at him. Junhoe doesn’t repeat the words again, he doesn't think he could. 

To his relief, Jinhwan doesn't say anything else. The older simply places his head on Junhoe's shoulder, and Junhoe leans his weight against him. 

“Who initiated it?” 

“Hmm?” 

“The breakup.” Jinhwan's voice is soft and careful, like he is afraid that he might choose the wrong words to speak and would only hurt Junhoe. “Now that I think about it, you never even told me the reason for your breakup.” 

That’s right, he didn't. The way he broke the news to Jinhwan was very straightforward: "We broke up." That's it. No explanations whatsoever. 

Looking back, Junhoe only realizes how Jinhwan must have been so worried for him that day. Even when Junhoe hadn't said it out loud, Jinhwan knows how much Junhoe actually _liked_ Jiwon. It wasn’t at all just a normal fling that Junhoe had always been going for. Granted, Junhoe have had a couple of serious relationships before, but something about the one with Jiwon screams top-tier _serious_.

A few days after the break up, Junhoe maintained a stable facade, acting like there wasn't anything wrong, as if his whole world wasn't crumbling apart. 

It kills Junhoe to realize this only now, how Jinhwan must have spent too much time wondering what has happened, wondering if Junhoe's okay, or if there's anything he could do to make him feel better. 

Jinhwan was substantially nicer to him that whole week, his movements almost calculated, like he was afraid he would do or say something that would break Junhoe apart more than he already was.

Junhoe's never the one to open up and share his problems with others, but with the sweetest and best friend ever, he feels like it's the least he could do. 

So Junhoe tells him. 

  
  


It was the most romantic night. Nothing fancy, nothing planned. It was just some spontaneous meetup - Jiwon phoning Junhoe at two o' something in the morning to meet him at the abandoned playground a few blocks from his apartment. 

Jiwon had been a bit tipsy, and Junhoe, having been woken up in the wee hours, had been a little cranky. But he still went because it's his fucking boyfriend. (And also because Jiwon was drunk, and Junhoe was just deeply worried). 

The vast dark sky was filled with glittering stars, like a thousand eyes winking at them from above. They were both lying on the grass, staring up at the sky in comfortable silence. 

Jiwon was okay. He just had a few drinks with his old friends, and had the sudden urge to see Junhoe before he went home. Junhoe was okay, too. At least, at the moment he was. But in the long run? No. No, not really. 

To be honest, Junhoe doesn’t know what’s been going on lately. Uni’s a constant pain in the ass, that goes without saying. Junhoe only has a little over a year left before he finishes his degree, and he should be _relieved_ . Isn’t that why he went to college in the first place? He should be proud of himself, he really should. But he keeps thinking - after he graduates, what happens then? He finds a job, of course. But what if he won’t find one that best suits him? What if the boss is an asshole? What if his coworkers are judgmental competitive gloaters? What happens then? Where does he go from there? Where does he go from _here_? 

He tried to ignore the unsettling thoughts, and turned his focus on the starry sky. The flickering lights looked utterly beautiful, and despite the biting cold, Junhoe couldn't help but feel a little warm inside. He’s suddenly reminded of that famous painting they were all forced to write a paper about in their Humanities class last year. 

_Last year_. God, how Junhoe would give anything to bring him back to that time. That time when all that bothered him was only having the need to revise and study every day. When there was no darkness, no drowning, no running, no isolation. When he didn’t look back in the past, nor did he fear the future. 

“The stars are pretty, isn’t it?” Junhoe suddenly said out of nowhere, just to break the silence.

“Hmm. I’ve always wondered why the stars are brighter during winter.” 

“There has got to be some scientific explanation.” Junhoe heard Jiwon snicker, and he turned to see that his boyfriend’s shaking his head in a somewhat disbelieving manner. 

“What?” 

“Goo Junhoe.” Jiwon exhaled, “You really are a man of science.” 

“We all _should_ be.” He responded sharply, turning away from his boyfriend to stare back at the starry sky. There had been no shooting star, but there were millions of them twinkling at him at the moment, and Junhoe figured, among that number, there must be one who would listen to him. He closed his eyes and wished for the moment to last - here with Jiwon, under the blanket of star lights, stuck in the moment for eternity. 

“Any plans for the holidays?” 

Junhoe snapped his eyes open, "Whatever my mom has prepared." 

“Yeah. Us too." 

A sharp gush of wind made Junhoe shiver under the thin layers of his clothes. He's not sure if Jiwon saw him from the corner of his eye, because the boy suddenly scoots closer towards him, closing the small gap between them into nothing. 

Junhoe turned slightly at his direction and he watched him. He stared at Jiwon's side profile, and burned every inch, every curve, every flaw of his features into his mind. Junhoe watched as Jiwon stares up at the heavens with dazed eyes, his mouth parted slightly, making his breath fog as he exhales.

And without warning whatsoever, he broke into a song. 

" _Starry, starry night… paint your palette blue and grey…_ " 

Junhoe stared at him, awestruck and a little breathless. While the starry night reminded Junhoe of the painting, Jiwon's reminded of the _song_. It was like taking two different paths, but still arriving in the same place.

It had been the most romantic setting, until Junhoe's emotions got the best of him. Until his thoughts had suddenly started pouring like a faucet he had left open. Until his eyes brimmed with tears, because he didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what to do. 

"Junhoe." 

The way Jiwon said his name sent shivers down his spine. It was new. Cold. Serious. Most of all, it didn't sound like his Jiwon at all. 

"Why did you come?" 

Junhoe was too busy trying to suppress his cries to respond. Whether Jiwon heard him whimper, he showed no signs of it. From what Junhoe can see, Jiwon too, looked troubled, like something was bothering him and he can’t seem to decide what to do about it. 

"Why did you come now?" 

"I was worried about you. It's two in the morning, and you're drunk. And I-" Junhoe swallowed the lump on his throat. " _I was worried about you."_

"Don't cry." 

"I'm not crying." 

Jiwon turned on his side to face Junhoe, a somber yet forlorn look adorning his features. He reached out to swipe at Junhoe's cheeks, softly, slowly, as if taking his time. 

Jiwon was about to pull away, but Junhoe grabbed his wrist, keeping his hand there on his cheek. 

"I don't want to do this." 

"Do what?" Jiwon sounds surprisingly calm, like he had already accepted what was bound to happen. 

Junhoe shook his head. "I don't want to break up." His voice cracks at the last word. 

Jiwon smiles sadly, a lone tear streaming down his cheek. 

"Junhoe, we already did." 

They already did. Junhoe knew this, of course. But hearing it come from Jiwon's mouth was something else. It hurt. It shattered his heart into a thousand pieces. It didn't sound right, didn't feel right.

They're already broken up. They broke up when Junhoe fell to the pit of his fear of time. He always looked back at the past, wishing to go back at his happiest moments. But that door is closed shut. Locked. Sealed. There was no way back, he knows this much, but Junhoe still can’t help but long for it. He feared the future, because that was a place that held no certainty whatsoever. Like a whole new world, and he _dreaded_ it. He spent so much time looking back at the past and worrying about the future, that his vision of the present gets obscured. He couldn’t see what was in front of him, he couldn’t see what mattered at the moment. 

And so he ran. 

Junhoe ran away from the things that made him anxious, he ran away from the things that made him feel like he wasn't good enough. Even his guitar, which had been his most prized possession, was left in the corner of his room untouched for weeks. He tried pouring his feelings into paper, but there wasn't just enough inspiration, not enough enthusiasm to convert his thoughts into the right words. He hadn't written for two months, and that says a lot because Junhoe used to write at least every week.

Junhoe was insecure. Junhoe was afraid. Junhoe was anxious. 

He isolated himself from the people around him. He still went to his classes, but he never strays away from the route of his apartment to the university. He turned down invites, he left messages unread. He rarely visits his family nowadays. 

He didn't answer Jiwon's calls, and that's when they broke up. He lied about having stuff to do when he only spent the entire day cramped up in his room staring into space, and that's when they broke up. He slams the door in front of Jiwon's face that time he went to Junhoe's apartment uninvited, and that's when they broke up. 

They broke up when they had that massive fight three weeks ago. Junhoe was just going to water the evergreens by his front door, but as he swings the door open, Jiwon barges in before the door gets slammed in his face once again. The sudden intrusion only made Junhoe pissed. 

"The fuck, Kim Jiwon?" 

Jiwon stood in the middle of the room, holding Junhoe's gaze in his own. "You can't keep avoiding me." 

Junhoe was still holding the door open. With clenched teeth, he said, "Get out. _Please._ " 

"Did I do something wrong?" 

"No. For fuck's sake, Jiwon. Get _out. Now._ " 

"No." 

Junhoe wanted to scream. 

"I'm not getting out of this place until you tell me what I did wrong." 

"You didn't do anything wrong, okay? This isn't about you."

"If it's not about me, then why are you pushing _me_ away? Why are you ignoring _me_ ?" Jiwon was gradually raising his voice, so Junhoe felt compelled to shut the door as not to disturb his neighbors. "If it's not _me_ , then what is-" 

"It's me, you idiot! ME! I'm the problem!" 

The anger in Jiwon's eyes softened, and Junhoe hated it. He didn't want his pity. Junhoe looked away and kept his gaze on the floor.

"Everything's just- it's - it's a whole mess. _I'm_ a mess. It's not something I can easily explain to you, to anyone. Even if I can, I don't think you'd understand."

"Try me." 

Junhoe shook his head. "It's not that simple-" 

"I can help you." 

"You _can't._ I don't want to drag you into this, Jiwon. It won't be fair for you." 

"You think it's fair for me _now_? You pushing me away? You think that's fair?" 

"I'm not trying to involve you in my problems, _that's_ what's fair for the both of us!"

Jiwon pulled his hair in frustration. He looked like he's about to punch the wall. 

"Do you have to keep avoiding me to do that?" 

"Yes. No. I just - _I don't know!_ " 

"Then don't _fucking_ push me away, Junhoe!"

Anger built up in Junhoe's chest and he watched as the whole thing spirals before his eyes. The thing is, it's not that he couldn't explain the stuff that's been going on with him. It's just that _he doesn't want to_. And so they went in circles. 

"It's not anything like that. I'm not pushing you away."

"Yes, you are." 

"I have to deal with this on my own-" 

"I can help you."

"I already told you, you're not-" Junhoe bit back a scream. It was frustrating, arguing about the same thing over and over again. "You're not even listening to me!!" 

"Because you're not _talking!!"_

And then the circle breaks. 

There was a long silence, and the two just kept staring at each other's eyes - eyes which they thought they knew, eyes which they thought they would understand no matter the circumstances. Now, they just don't know. When Jiwon spoke up, his voice cracked, and for a moment, Junhoe almost faltered. Almost. 

"Babe, _talk_ to me, please. I can't help you if you don’t tell me what's wrong." 

Junhoe shook his head. "You can’t help me. I don’t want your help, I don’t want anybody's help. I told you, it's something I have to deal on my own." 

"Okay, all right.” Jiwon nods, “At least don’t push me away? Please? I haven’t seen you in weeks, and I miss you."

Jiwon stepped closer and grabbed Junhoe’s hand in his, begging. Junhoe was tired. He felt so burnt with the mixture of his emotions. Anger, sadness, stress, impatience, irritation. There was nothing of the positive kind. No comfort, no light, no hope. 

No love. 

He pulled his hand away from Jiwon’s grasp, and two hearts broke at once. 

“I need time to think.” 

“Junhoe…” Breathless. Sad. Desperate. 

Junhoe hated it. 

“ _Please_.” 

Junhoe closed his eyes when he felt the tears come. He didn’t want Jiwon to see him cry. Not again. He waited a few seconds, and finally heard the front door swing open. There was a short pause before he heard the familiar sound of the door clicking. 

Junhoe opened his eyes, and Jiwon was gone. 

And that’s how they broke up. 

After that argument, Junhoe spent days - weeks even - convincing himself that it was for the best, that Jiwon was one of the many things in his life that causes him to spiral out of his ground. And so, he avoided him more so than before, only this time, Jiwon started to avoid him too. 

_Jiwon’s not good for you._ He told himself again and again and again. _He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t listen. He frustrates you. He angers you._

Junhoe thought that spiteful words would help fill the gaps of Jiwon's absence in his life. But as time dragged on, the anger in him had subsided and he found himself checking his phone every now and then. He kept opening his front door, expecting to see some guy with a bunny smile waiting for him so they could grab lunch at their favorite japanese place.

But for three whole weeks, Jiwon never showed up. 

It was Junhoe’s fault, he knows that. He was stubborn to want to fix himself on his own, and by doing so, he subconsciously pushed Jiwon away. 

He realized a little too late that he was wrong. He didn't realize it until they both lay there under the stars, and Jiwon's presence beside him alone was enough to send Junhoe's mind reeling. 

And he missed him. God, how he missed him.

That night, Junhoe didn't ask Jiwon to stay. He thought it was the least he could do after inflicting that much pain and imposing that much trouble for the last few weeks (and probably for the entire duration of their relationship). 

Junhoe watched as Jiwon walked away from him that night, his figure disappearing slowly into the darkness until he was completely gone and Junhoe sees nothing but black black _black_. 

He stayed rooted in his spot for a few minutes, staring into darkness, waiting for nothing. 

_Just in case,_ he thought. _Just in case he changes his mind._

When a fair amount of time had passed and he was convinced that Jiwon wouldn't come running back to him, Junhoe turned around and started to head back home.

  
  


"... and that's it." Junhoe shrugs, trying his best to look nonchalant but the weight in his chest indicates that he is anything but. 

He couldn't exactly say that it's a relief now that he has said all those things out loud. It only made it clear for him that he's not over his ex-boyfriend, and that he absolutely has no idea how to deal with it. If anything, it only added to his list of problems. 

Jinhwan squeezes his hand, and he's probably the only good thing about this whole situation. At least Junhoe has him. At least Jinhwan has his back. 

“So, do you plan to get him back? To get back together?” 

“What?” Junhoe scrunches his face at his friend, trying to figure out if he’s really fucking with him in a such a serious moment, but Jinhwan only looks innocent and concerned, and Junhoe realizes that it’s an actual suggestion. 

“Don’t be an idiot, hyung. I’m not a homewrecker.” 

It is Jinhwan’s turn to stare at him as if he grew another head. “Jiwon’s taken?” 

“Haven’t you noticed their natural, breezy dynamic during that morning? _And_ the fact that they live in the same apartment should say enough.” 

“What?” And then Jinhwan starts to laugh. The kind that drones on for a full minute and just begins to tick Junhoe off. “Are you talking about Donghyuk?” 

Junhoe only rolls his eyes as a response. The image of Jiwon staring at Donghyuk with such adoring eyes flashbacks in his mind yet again, and before he can hurt himself more, he pushes the memory at the back of his head.

He finds himself turning Jinhwan’s question over his mind. He only realized that he’s still in love with him mere moments ago, and he never really considered the entire ‘getting back together’ prospect until Jinhwan mentioned it. 

He regret breaking up, yes. But the idea of getting back together is a whole different thing. Just thinking about it makes Junhoe quiver. Does he even want that? Would Jiwon even take him back? Ah, who is he kidding. That’s not happening of course, because Jiwon’s very much taken and Junhoe’s very much too late. 

He shakes the thought off his mind and watches as Jinhwan jumps off the couch, humming a love song to himself as he grabs his phone off the floor. Junhoe has no idea how it has gotten there but Jinhwan does have this tendency to care less about his personal belongings, so he’s not that surprised. 

“Where are you going?” 

Jinhwan ignores him and skips towards the kitchen, looking the most cheerful than Junhoe has ever seen him the past few days. 

  
  


There was only one moment where all three of them - Junhoe, Jiwon and Hanbin - had actually spent the same time in their dorm. Junhoe sat on the couch, a book on his lap, while the two sat on the floor, playing a card game Junhoe had never come across in his entire life. Hanbin was exceptionally chatty that night, or he was just infatuated, Junhoe couldn’t figure out which. 

He’s rambling about this guy he met a few times through a mutual friend. Says he has the most beautiful smile, has the purest heart, and cooks him the best food. Junhoe and Jiwon might have had exchanged a few silent looks in the middle of Hanbin’s little love monologue - nothing too judgmental, mostly doubt and concern, because seeming a bit too in love almost always blares the alarm. 

"He makes me stay up at night." 

Hanbin sighs before placing two cards in between him and Jiwon, and the latter groans, an obvious indication of his defeat. Jiwon didn’t seem to have heard his previous statement as he was too invested in the game, but Junhoe did. And if it had been any other day, Junhoe would have cringed. 

But this time, for some reason, Junhoe gets a huge wave of melancholy, the feeling making his heart ache in his chest. It was the way Hanbin’s eyes sparkled, the way he sighed so contentedly right after, like he doesn't care about the consequences of his unrequited love, like he doesn't care whether this Yunhyeong guy would love him back. It seemed as though to Hanbin, loving Yunhyeong from afar, was enough. More than enough.

And Junhoe couldn't help but feel envious, because Hanbin looked _so happy_. He starts to wonder then how it must feel to love someone that much, how it must feel to have someone make him stay up at night. 

Hanbin suddenly gets a crumpled card thrown at his face, and he starts cursing, yelling about ruining the card, and Jiwon only chortles, moving a little away when Hanbin looks like he’s about to lunge at him. 

Junhoe turns his attention towards him, watching as Jiwon dodges the same card Hanbin chucks at him. 

And then Junhoe starts to think as Jiwon’s chuckles fills the whole room, if Jiwon has someone who makes him stay up at night. 

  
  


Jinhwan takes a huge bite of his double patty burger, munches on it for a good three seconds, and as if tasting something highly disgusting in it, spits it all out on his plate. 

“Ugh! I specifically told them to take out the cheese!” Enraged and disgusted, he puts his burger back down, right on top of his chewed bite, and pushes the dish towards Junhoe. 

It’s Junhoe’s turn to groan. “Hyung! What the hell! Now _I_ can’t eat it too!” Junhoe reaches over and takes the cheese out of the burger, then pushes the plate back to him. That should do it. 

“There.” 

Jinhwan stares down at the burger as if contemplating its edibility. “But it still has cheese DNA in it.” 

“Are you going to eat it or not?” Junhoe snaps as he puts the cheese down on top of his fries. Sighing out loud, Jinhwan rolls his eyes but yields anyway. For a short while, they just ate in silence, Junhoe occasionally looking out the highway to stare at the vehicles getting caught at the red light. The burger joint is located right at one corner of the highway intersection, granting the customers a fantastic view of the traffic. 

It has been a month now, approximately. A month since he had last heard and seen of Jiwon, a month since he had realised that he’s still has lingering feelings for him. And to be honest, Junhoe’s been holding up just fine. Since then, neither he nor Jinhwan talked about the topic - talked about Jiwon - and that really helped Junhoe take his mind off the guy. It’s like how that saying goes - _out of sight, out of mind_. 

At the corner of his eye, he catches Jinhwan check his watch (again). He has been doing it a number of times since they settled down with their meals, and at that point, Junhoe couldn’t help but get suspicious. He takes a long sip from his soda before leaning closer, even crossing his arms on the table for good measure.

“Are you waiting for someone?” 

“No.” Jinhwan answers flatly as he sneaks a look at his watch again. Very palpable, this guy is.

Junhoe sighs. “Okay. You’re clearly expecting someone.” 

“No!” 

“Then what-” 

“It’s nothing. Just eat your food and shut up.” Jinhwan gawks at Junhoe’s empty plate. “How can you have finished it already?” 

Junhoe merely shrugs. “You know me.” 

Jinhwan sighs once again and proceeds to eat his meal, taking tiny bites on his burger. It’s as if he’s stalling time. It is at that moment when the suspicions has completely subsided and Junhoe is definitely sure that something is up. 

“Okay. Out with it.” 

Jinhwan feigns ignorance. “What?” 

“What’s going on?”

“ _What_?” 

“Hyung, please don’t play dumb. You’re being way too obvious. What are you up to?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jinhwan shakes his head and takes a sip of his soda. He only stops when the slurping sound of air cuts through the air and is almost audible enough for the rest of the joint to hear. “I just-” He starts, the look of guilt adorning his features. 

“I can’t stop thinking about what you told me last time.” 

Junhoe stares at him questioningly, so he proceeds. 

“About your breakup with Jiwon. About why you broke up. What I mean is, I just feel really shitty that I didn’t even notice you were going through all that last year. I should have known when you turned down the _fruit basket_ marathon and responded with half-ass messages the whole time.” 

Junhoe laughs half-heartedly. He feels a bit touched that Jinhwan still remembers that, but Junhoe’s over it (sort of) and he doesn’t really wanna talk about it anymore. Especially not now when he’s already feeling way better than the previous weeks. 

“That’s why!” Jinhwan cuts him off when he has just opened his mouth to speak, “That’s why I thought of the perfect way to make it up to you.” 

“Hyung, you don’t really have to-”

“Do you wanna hear it?”

“No-”

“Perfect!” Jinhwan clasps his hands together excitedly. It may not be visible but Jinhwan’s undoubtedly flashing his hyung card at the moment. Junhoe can only sigh in defeat. 

"Look at the stoplight." 

Junhoe does as he is told, turning around to glance at the busy intersection and the fully functioning stop lights that holds control over the traffic on the highway. 

"And what about it?" Junhoe asks when he turns his head back at the older. 

And that's when Jinhwan proposes the challenge. It goes like this: The stoplight timer has 143 seconds for the red light, and that’s the exact time given for Junhoe to head over the halting vehicles, ask someone for their number, and head back at their table before his time runs out, or before the light turns green again. 

“A challenge? For me? I thought _you_ were trying to make it up to me!” 

Jinhwan waves a hand dismissively. “I am, Junhoe. Calm down. Terms aren’t even fully stated yet.” 

With this, Junhoe piques. “Okay, then. What’s in it for me?” 

“My Nintendo Switch.” 

Junhoe lets out a huff of disbelief. He's not buying it. It's too good to be true. 

"I know what you're thinking." Jinhwan interjects, and when Junhoe looks at him, he realizes that he has his eyes closed. Junhoe can see that he’s wavering, probably having second thoughts on betting his Switch just like that, contemplating whether it would all be worth it. For a second, Junhoe thought the older is gonna take it all back and say that he’s just simply messing with him. 

"But I'm being fucking serious right now, Junhoe. I swear, you can have my Switch." 

"But it's brand new." Junhoe replies timidly. 

“That’s why I’m challenging you, aren’t I?” 

Junhoe nods slowly, taking and trusting the older’s words bit by bit. “Okay, but you can’t take it back, all right?” 

Jinhwan responds by crossing his heart, and when Jinhwan crosses his heart, this means he’s serious as fuck and he’s really keeping his word. He checks his watch again, and yelps out loud when whatever realization has come to him. 

“It’s time!” 

“Time for what?” 

“Time for you to go! Look, it’s the yellow light! Go!” 

Junhoe turns around and sees the cars slowing down at the intersection as the stoplight ticks down: 

_3..2..1_.. 

“Junhoe, _go_!” Jinhwan’s voice is frantic, and that alone makes Junhoe jump on his feet and dash towards the highway. 

It doesn't really sink in until he has reached the sidewalk, when he has taken a closer glimpse of all the halting vehicles. The view starts to intimidate him. Shit, now that he thinks about it, this doesn't exactly sound like a great idea. Just how the hell is he going to ask for a stranger’s number in such a limited amount of time? Most importantly, is this even _legal_? Will he not get arrested skirting through cars and knocking on their windows? 

He checks the timer on the stoplight. 

_132 seconds._ 132 seconds before the light turns green again and the vehicles around him start moving. Mindlessly, he works his way through one vehicle to another, ignoring the strong feeling of being watched as he passes through windshields and windows. 

132 seconds before Junhoe can conjure up an idea to get through this without embarrassing or hurting himself, or anyone else for that matter. 

He gravitates towards an old model honda civic, because it looks the least intimidating of all. He reaches the passenger side and catches a glimpse of a woman’s silhouette by window, and he hesitates. 

_For the Switch. For the Switch. Do it for the Switch._

He turns to look at the timer again. 

_121 seconds_. 

He knocks lightly on the window, and when the woman flinches, he holds his breath. She doesn’t open the window. Of course she doesn’t. Of course she won’t. It’s the most obvious reaction to a stranger knocking on your car door. She just waves a hand as if to dismiss him, and Junhoe leaves immediately, head bowed down in embarrassment. 

“Son! Son, over here!" A shrill voice yells from a short distance, and Junhoe looks up to see an old woman waving him over from an SUV. Reluctantly, he heads over with a nervous beating heart. To his surprise, the old lady hands him a few notes, shoving the crumpled bills into his hands when he has moved close enough for her to reach him. 

“Oh no! I can’t-” 

The lady shushes him as she forces his hand to close around the bills. “Oh, just take it. When I was your age, I also went through some serious financial problems -”

“That’s not what this is-”

“-so I truly understand how you feel, my dear.” To his horror, the lady reaches out to caress his cheek, crooning about how he reminds her of her son. 

“-but he ran off when he was about your age, and we never heard from him since.” 

“We do not speak of that rascal, Molly!” Junhoe flinches at the booming voice coming from the driver’s seat. The old bald man with a whole globe for a belly glares at him through his round rimmed specs. 

“I uh- I have to go-” Junhoe gently pries the lady’s hand off his face, but that only made her reach over with other hand, and now he’s being held tightly and closer (he can almost count the wrinkles on her face) and he finds no way out of it.

“You know why he ran off?” 

“No, sorry. I don’t really-” 

_“Molly!”_

_Goddammit, Molly. Listen to your husband!_

Junhoe flinches once again, and this time, he finally frees himself from the woman’s grasp. He gets the prickling feeling that almost all of the drivers have rolled down their windows and are now observing the scene happening before them. Junhoe has never felt more embarrassed. 

But then, he gets an idea. 

He looks back to the burger joint where he sees Jinhwan standing on his toes, trying to get a peek at Junhoe’s direction since a few cars are in the way of his view. Come to think of it, he never really said anything about the person that Junhoe’s supposed to get a number from. It could be anyone. 

He checks the timer as he pockets the bills in his jeans, the plan in his head making his heart race in uncertainty. But he’s here now, and Junhoe’s determined more than ever to have that Nintendo Switch in his hands. 

_78 seconds._

Before he can change his mind, Junhoe bends over to peer at the woman again, careful to avoid the old man’s gaze. “I’m sorry if this might come out a bit random, but can I please have your number?” 

Junhoe almost dies right there when the woman squeals in delight, and the man sputters out a roaring, “WHAT?” He clearly did not expect that to happen. His eyes was too focused on the prize that he miscalculated the elders’ reactions to his sudden question. 

“Ooh! This reminds me of when I was in high school! Boys used to be _all_ over me!” The old woman giggles giddily and Junhoe sort of panics when he sees the man shuffling on his seat. 

Shit! Shit shit shit shit. 

“No, no. I didn’t mean it like that!” 

“Of course, you can have my number, you adorable little pumpkin pie!” The woman pinches his cheek then proceeds to ruffle through her purse as though she’s looking for something. Junhoe didn’t have enough time to wait for her (not that he’s still into the challenge) when the door to the driver’s seat on the other side has slammed shut and the old man is now making his way towards him, his nostrils fuming in anger. Junhoe backs away, raising his hands up to show his surrender. 

“I’m not hitting on your wife, sir.” 

Maybe Junhoe should have just shut his mouth because this seemed to have only angered the man more. He lets out a guttural sound under his throat. It almost sounded like a lion’s roar to Junhoe’s ear, and he didn’t waste more time to see if the man has sped up towards him before running away from the situation. Behind him, he hears the woman say, “Oh, silly me! I forgot I don’t have a phone! Will our address be okay, dear?” 

Junhoe throws himself behind a pick up truck, hoping, praying, that the man wouldn't find him in his hiding spot. But that's some wishful thinking because apparently, the truck driver rats out Junhoe's place. 

"He's over here!" 

"Fuck!" Junhoe scrambles on his feet again and sets towards the last place he thinks he could be safe - the burger joint. Jinhwan is fidgeting as he looks over at Junhoe, who is approaching at an alarming speed, yelling and cursing words that aren’t articulate enough to understand. 

“ _Holy shit_! What did you do?!” 

Junhoe makes a motion that is supposed to tell Jinhwan to run for his life, but the latter only keeps jumping on his feet frantically. “Why is an old man chasing you?!” 

“Who are you calling old man, boy?!” 

“Shit!” Junhoe sprints when the voice boomed closer than he had expected, the old man no doubt hot on his trail. He grabs Jinhwan by the arm and pulls him towards the other direction, ignoring the cheers and laughter that are coming from both the highway and the burger joint. Oh lord, seems like it might take a while before they can return to this place. 

Junhoe takes a last glance at the stoplight before turning to the right of the intersection. 

_43 seconds._ If they can just run away from this old fart long enough until the time runs out, they should be able to keep their lives. Surely, the man has to head back and drive his stupid old van to avoid congesting the traffic. 

And then like some kind of blessing sent from above, Junhoe spots a narrow passageway between two occupied buildings that is almost unnoticeable unless you squint. He pulls Jinhwan towards the area, slamming their backs against the wall and slumping down as they try to gasp for breath. 

“Did we lose him?” 

Junhoe shushes him and takes a cautious peek outside the main road, and when he sees the old man’s retreating back, heading back towards the intersection just as Junhoe has expected, he lets out a long sigh of relief. 

“Yeah. He’s heading back to the intersection. We’re safe now.” And then he adds, “For now.” 

“Fuck, Junhoe. What in the hell did you do this time?” 

“You’re the one who proposed this challenge, in case you forgot.” Junhoe retorts, wiping away the sweat on his forehead at the back of his hand.

“Hey, don’t blame it on me! Whatever happened back there on the highway was all on you.” 

Junhoe relaxes against the wall and heaves another sigh. He doesn’t have enough energy to argue further, and besides, Jinhwan is kinda right. “That man thought I was hitting on his wife because I asked for her number.” 

A few seconds of silence stretches between them, and then, Jinhwan breaks into fits of laughter. 

“You asked for a _grandma’s number_?” 

“Hey, I was time-pressured!” 

Jinhwan seemed to have only laughed more, and eventually, Junhoe finds himself joining him now that everything has sunk in and he realizes how ridiculous the entire situation had been. 

“Am I still getting your Switch?” 

Jinhwan shakes his head, a triumphant grin on his face. It’s the face of someone who’s keeping his most prized gaming tech after gambling on it on a bet. “A deal is a deal, my dear.” 

Junhoe groans, but not because he’s not getting the Switch. “Don’t call me that.” 

Jinhwan makes a sudden move to fish his phone out of his pocket. Junhoe watches him warily as he types into his phone with a little annoying grin on his face. Junhoe rolls his eyes. 

“I can’t believe that after all that shit we’ve just gone through, you still remembered to text your _boyfriend_.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Jinhwan argues as he pockets his phone back, a light shade of red tinting his cheeks. 

“When can I meet him?” 

“Soon.” 

Junhoe eyes him quietly as the older decides to look at everywhere but him. Jinhwan tends to get shy whenever the topic of his crushes gets brought up, even more so when it's someone he's already beginning to date.

Either he's just pretty coy about everything, or he's just worried that Junhoe might have tons of shit to say about the person he’s seeing again, because most of the time, Junhoe doesn’t like them. Junhoe still doesn’t have any kind of information about this ‘new guy’(aside from the fact that he makes Jinhwan smile into his phone like a crazy idiot). No name, no face, no background story, no nothing. 

But Junhoe sort of understands why Jinhwan didn’t want to share about his new love interest right away. It wasn’t long ago when Junhoe berated Jinhwan over some guy he most definitely didn’t approve of. The thing is, Junhoe has heard some things about Yunhyeong way before Jinhwan has even gotten to meet him. And he knows it’s wrong believing in hearsays and whatnot, but he’s seen the damage the man has inflicted firsthand. Junhoe knows that Yunhyeong was part of the reason why Hanbin left. And Junhoe, despite not knowing the whole story, just wanted to blame somebody for the random longingness he feels for his old roommate.

Anyway-

"Can't wait." Junhoe says unenthusiastically, and Jinhwan only sends him a tight-lipped smile. 

When Junhoe is positive that 43 seconds has long passed, he gets on his feet and pulls Jinhwan up from the ground. “Let’s go home. I’m beat.” 

The idea sounded pretty good for the both of them, except there is a problem. As they approach the joint’s parking lot, Junhoe spots Jinhwan's car surrounded by a bunch of figures. From that distance away, Junhoe recognizes the figures as the old man, his wife, the joint’s manager, and perhaps another joint employee.

Junhoe let out the most frustrated groan before hurriedly hiding himself behind a post, Jinhwan trailing behind. 

“Why can’t they just drop it? Jesus.” 

“Oh! Oh!” Junhoe turns to look at Jinhwan who has perked up, his eyes fixed on an approaching vehicle at the end of the street.

The sight of the jet black car ticks something off in Junhoe's brain, but he doesn't really find his memory reliable for moments like this one (or any time, to be honest).

_Where have I seen that car before?_

It isn’t until the vehicle halts right in front of them and the driver’s window rolls down to reveal none other than Kim Donghyuk, when it hits Junhoe. The shock of seeing him again didn't even have the chance to settle, and Junhoe just quickly accepts the situation as if running into Donghyuk on a crucial moment is a normal occurrence.

“Do you guys need a ride?” 

“No.”

“Yes!” 

The sight of Jinhwan opening the car door and climbing into the back seat sends Junhoe in an immense wave of deja vu. Unlike last time where he immediately yields to both Jinhwan’s and the universe’s conspiracy, he remains rooted in his spot, hesitating. Through the driver's window, he sees someone seated in the passenger seat, and Junhoe didn't need some telling to know who it is.

“Junhoe-ssi?” The aforementioned man looks up at Donghyuk who is staring at him with the softest gaze which Junhoe thinks he doesn’t deserve for some reason. 

“Junhoe, hurry the fuck up!” He hears Jinhwan yell from inside the car. 

And then it happens - the thing he’s dreading the most. 

He hears him before he even sees him, his laughter ringing through the air like little bells chiming all the way from heaven. (Junhoe doesn’t actually know what the fuck that sounds like but he’s at least convinced that it sounds utterly pleasant, just like this one. Just like Jiwon’s laugh).

Jiwon bends over and peers through the window, beaming after catching Junhoe’s eyes. Junhoe's heart did an obnoxious leap in his chest, and for a fleeting moment he considers running for the hills. “Junhoe, hop on.” Jiwon's voice is gentle and patient, a complete contrast to Jinhwan's irritated and demanding tone, which cuts through the moment just in time. 

" _Goo Junhoe!"_

Junhoe curses under his breath, and finally, _finally_ climbs on the back seat. 

  
  


"We saw you from the intersection." 

Junhoe shoots Jinhwan a frantic look, who only shrugs nonchalantly. 

"You saw _everything?_ " Junhoe asks incredulously, feeling like he could jump off a cliff out of embarrassment. As if on cue, both Donghyuk and Jiwon laugh at the same time. 

"Heard everything too." Jiwon replies for Donghyuk's sake, keeping his eyes glued ahead. "Rolled my window down to call you but I got speechless when I heard you asking for the lady's number." 

They all laugh at this, including Jinhwan. Not Junhoe, though. He just wants to bang his head in humiliation, plus the fact that Jiwon was about to call out for him earlier. Why didn't he just do it? 

"Jinhwan made me do it." Junhoe says pointedly, shooting the older a glare. 

"No shit!" Donghyuk pipes up as he takes a left turn on Jiwon's instruction, giving out the directions to Junhoe's apartment. Junhoe doesn't know what to think about that. Maybe he just shouldn't think about it at all. "Were you on to some kind of game? A dare, perhaps?" 

Jinhwan is more than glad to recall his _amazing challenge_ (his own words) to the other two, earning another round of laughter from the lot of them. 

"If I were offered the same thing, I'd be down for the challenge too." Jiwon says after all of the laughter have died down and was followed by a long stretch of silence. 

Junhoe's heart skips, and he stares at Jiwon's back, sort of hoping that he would turn around and look at him. And maybe smile. But he doesn't do any of that. 

"Me too." He hears Donghyuk mumble, and just like that, Junhoe doesn't feel as shitty and dumb as he did when they were all laughing at him earlier. 

  
  


Everything was all okay for the rest of the ride to Junhoe's apartment. Junhoe feels a bit sticky and absolutely grossed out now that all the sweat from the ruckus earlier has dried up on his skin, and a long cold shower is all that has occupied his mind the entire time. 

Everything was all okay, until they reached Junhoe's floor, making their way in the dim lit corridor and Jinhwan says something that flips Junhoe's whole mood. 

"I need to get my car." 

They all pause on their tracks to look at him. 

Junhoe says, "We'll come back for it later." 

Jinhwan has other plans, apparently. "No, I mean, right now." 

Junhoe doesn't know how long they have been glaring at each other when Donghyuk speaks out, "I can come with." 

Junhoe whips his head towards the other man, feeling betrayed all of a sudden. When he turns to Jinhwan again, he's already nodding, his eyes fixed on Donghyuk. 

"Wait-" 

"We won't be long, Junhoe."

"Hyung-" 

They're already starting to walk away. To his credit, Jinhwan keeps throwing worried (and guilty) glances over at Junhoe but he says nothing.

"Bye!" Donghyuk waves cheerfully before they completely disappeared round the corner. 

For a long fraction of a second, Junhoe just stood there, unable to believe that it took that easily and so quickly for the seasons to change. What was just a calm breezy fall has turned to a biting cold winter. He doesn’t get it. It’s like they just dropped Junhoe and Jiwon at his apartment and leaves them to- 

"Junhoe." 

He still flinches despite being fully aware of the other's presence. He turns to Jiwon slowly, cautiously, his heart pounding in his chest. 

"Yeah, sorry." Junhoe leads the way to his apartment door, even though Jiwon could have navigated his way there on his own. 

Unlocking his door seems to be a lot of work because he can not only feel Jiwon's gaze burning at the back of his head, but he can also feel his warm breath fanning his nape. _Shit._

Junhoe fumbled on the key a few times before finally getting it to work. Like a breath of fresh air, he swings the door open and quickly steps in. 

Jiwon doesn't though. 

Junhoe turns to see him still standing by the doorway, a disbelieving yet fond look on his face. And when he glances at the evergreens by the front door, Junhoe immediately understands why. 

"You didn't let them die." 

Junhoe feels his cheeks burn as he stares into Jiwon’s bright excited eyes. He hates how he tends to forget how perceptive Jiwon is.

"No one really has the heart to." He responds flatly before opening the door wider. "Please, come in." 

"Oh! Right, sorry." 

The awkwardness immediately settles as soon as Junhoe closes the door behind him. Jiwon sort of just lingers there by the foyer, looking around, unsure of what to do, and Junhoe, despite it being his home, finds himself being unsure of what to do either. 

“I’ll just take a quick shower.” He finally says, when the silence has droned long enough that Junhoe couldn’t stand it anymore. 

“Oh, okay.” 

“You can sit and wait by the living room.” 

“Sure.” 

“Feel at home.” Junhoe whispers hastily before turning around to head to his room. He dramatically drops on his knees as soon as he shuts the bedroom door behind him, his heart feeling like it’s about to burst in his chest at any moment, because _what the fuck_! 

Junhoe just cannot believe that he has been sent back to the same situation – In an apartment with his ex-boyfriend! Again! Only this time, it’s far worse than it was the first time because Junhoe’s completely sober, and it’s broad daylight, and they’re alone, and Junhoe’s pretty aware of his lingering feelings for said ex-boyfriend and they’re alone! _Oh my god, they’re alone._

Junhoe takes a deep shaky breath and convinces himself that there is absolutely nothing to be worried about. He can just take his time in the shower and stall enough time in his room until Jinhwan and Donghyuk comes back. Right. Good. He turns the plan in his mind a few times, and that seemed to have calmed him down. 

He gets into the shower with a speed of a turtle, forcibly making himself to feel relaxed. But as he turns on the water and the first freezing drops hit his skin like a fucking ocean wave, Junhoe feels compelled to shut his eyes, and that was easily the trigger for the memories to roll back in his mind. 

The vividness of it all could have fooled anyone into thinking that it was just yesterday – _Junhoe arching his back as he feels a light graze against his neck. The cold water was enough to make him shiver, but the touch dealt worse. Jiwon’s hands seemed to have an electrifying effect as it trailed to touch every inch of his bare skin. Junhoe gasped when Jiwon pinned him to the wall, losing his breath completely when he crashed their lips together, bodies pressing and needing._

"Fuck." Junhoe shakes his head in an attempt to shake the memory out of his thoughts. When that didn’t seem to be enough, he hums out a trot song a little too loudly, hoping to overrun the unwanted memory. What was supposed to be the plan to take his time in the shower is immediately thrown out the window, and Junhoe couldn't have bathed faster in his whole life. 

He thinks getting out of that damn shower - one in which held too many memories that Junhoe only realized now, for some reason - would be able to stop the memories from rushing back. 

He’s not wrong about that, though he has not included the remaining area of his bedroom in that consideration. And it turns out, his bedroom is all the same. It seems like seeing Jiwon step into his apartment after almost a year triggered his mind to remind him of all the things he thought he had tucked at the back of his head. 

Pissed at the image that has suddenly popped up in his mind when he catches sight of the bed, he grabs his phone as a way to distract himself, noticing that he has received a text message from Jinhwan. 

**gnani (15:32 H)**

we'll be late

Junhoe huffs out a frustrated sigh. The mere text pissed him off, but he finds himself not surprised by this for some strange reason. He types out a reply. 

**juneeeeya (15:43 H)**

wdym you'll be late!!!!

**gnani (15:44 H)**

it means we'll be late

**juneeeeya (15:44 H)**

i meant WHY

HYUNG WHY 

why

y

y

hyunggggg

ehyyy

why!!

why

if u dont come back in 20 mins im gonna die!!

:( 

Junhoe considers telling him that he’s about to go crazy with all the sudden flashbacks he’s getting, or the fact that he doesn’t exactly know how to entertain his ex-boyfriend in his own apartment. 

But he doesn’t want Jinhwan to worry. (Rather, Junhoe’s guessing that Jinhwan might head back immediately in worry, and maybe Junhoe doesn’t want that. Yet.)

**gnani (15:49 H)**

:(( 

With a defeated sigh, Junhoe tosses his phone on the bed before running out the door when a fresh image threatens to flash back - _two bare bodies tangled in each other, breaths heaving, hearts racing. Jiwon’s mouth traces his jaw, moving agonizingly down his neck then to his chest, moving lower and lower -_

Junhoe halts on his tracks when he finds Jiwon settled on the sofa. This shouldn’t have surprised him because he’s pretty aware of the man being in his living room, but seeing him in the flesh (and not in his mind) sort of just startled him. Jiwon perks up upon his arrival, but the beam on his face almost immediately gets replaced by a look of concern when he notices Junhoe’s expression. 

“Are you okay? You look- uhm - flushed.” 

“I’m fine.” Junhoe replies, resisting the urge to make up an excuse and hide into his room once again. He avoids Jiwon’s gaze, thinking it’s some way to calm his beating heart. “They said they’ll be late. Jinhwan just texted me.” 

“Oh, yeah. Donghyuk just messaged me too.” 

Junhoe nods, risking a glance at the other. Jiwon has an expectant look on his face, and Junhoe doesn’t know what to make out of it. “Would you like something to drink?” 

“I’m good.”

“Okay…” Junhoe trails off, finding himself hesitating to sit on the other end of the couch. Ugh. It takes a whole lot of strength not to slap himself on the face. _For fuck’s sake, Junhoe! It’s your couch! It’s your living room, it’s your freaking apartment!_

And so following the voice which sounds oddly a lot like Jinhwan, Junhoe sits.

The space between them seems to stretch out thrice the distance, and the quick seconds of silence devours the air into complete awkwardness which is more than enough to drive Junhoe mad. It’s like their first encounter all over again, only worse. Worse because, unlike their first encounters where they spent majority of the time waiting for Hanbin in their shared apartment, where they had nothing but the future ahead, there is now a huge chunk of past between them. Fortunately, Jiwon speaks out first, saving Junhoe the trouble of thinking of an appropriate topic to break the silence. 

“They suit each other, don’t you think?” 

“Huh?” Junhoe couldn’t help but turn to him, confused. 

With a slight smile on his face, Jiwon says, “Donghyuk and Jinhwan.” 

“ _What_?” 

Jiwon blinks a couple of times, looking as though he’s trying to comprehend if Junhoe’s being serious. 

“Wait, you don’t know?” 

Junhoe didn’t need some explaining. He thinks he gets it, though he’s still a bit reluctant to believe it all. One thing’s for sure though, Jinhwan’s a dead man as soon as Junhoe lays a hand on him. 

“I’m sorry. I expected Jinhwan would’ve told you.” 

Junhoe shakes his head as he laughs, though there isn’t any trace of humour in it. “Me too.” 

So the one Jinhwan has been texting all this time, the one he has been talking about for weeks is _Donghyuk_? The reason he has been staying up all night talking on the phone, the reason he has been giggling like a lovesick high school girl is because of _Donghyuk_?

Donghyuk, as in _Jiwon’s Donghyuk_? 

Junhoe feels the betrayal settle in his chest, but it didn't do as much as linger because it quickly subsides, and the feeling is completely replaced by a tingling sensation. 

“I can’t believe it.” Junhoe mutters to himself just when the full weight of the realization dawns on him. 

Jiwon chuckles lightly. "Me neither. They're kinda like an eccentric pair, but they also complement each other pretty well." 

_Yeah, well. That too._

But it's not about Jinhwan and Donghyuk's compatibility that Junhoe's bothered about. He looks over at Jiwon’s direction and the only thing that crosses his mind is this: _Jiwon is single. Jiwon is single. Jiwon is single._

Deep set of orbs stare right into Junhoe’s own and he finds himself falling down - _hard and fast_. He recognizes the feeling. He’s been through this countless times, though unlike those other times in the past, he didn’t resist. Junhoe allows himself to be pulled down, because maybe, just maybe, everything will turn out fine this time around. 

"I’ve noticed the way they stole glances at each other that morning in my apartment. But to be honest, I wasn't expecting for them to get serious with each other." 

For a second, Junhoe sets Jiwon aside from his mind, and focuses on the idea of Jinhwan dating again. Junhoe has not spent enough time with Donghyuk to know what kind of person he is, and though his mom has always been reminding him to give people the benefit of the doubt… 

"Do you trust him?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Donghyuk. Do you trust him?" 

A small smile stretches on Jiwon's face. "He's a good kid, Junhoe-ya. He won't hurt your best friend." 

Junhoe only nods, finding himself trusting his words completely. One thing he loved about Jiwon is his consistent need to be honest, no matter how small or big the situation might be. 

"And even if he does," Jiwon continues, "I'll beat the crap out of him for you. I know how much Jinhwan hyung means to you." 

Junhoe laughs. "There's no need for that. I can beat him up by myself." He jokes, silently hoping that none of that would happen. 

They bask in their silence for a while, the (imaginary) lengthy distance between them seeming as though it is drawing closer by the minute, just as the awkwardness between them slowly fades away.

"I've never told you this but I've always been a little jealous of how close you and Jinhwan are. But not in a possessive kind of way." Jiwon hastily adds when Junhoe looks him over with a frown.

"He's my best friend." Junhoe replies, slightly affronted. 

"I know."

"Why are you telling me this now?" 

Jiwon scratches the back of his neck, looking a bit regretful now. Junhoe suddenly feels guilty for snapping at him. In his defense, the statement was completely unlooked for, and not to mention, highly unnecessary. 

"Ah, I guess it doesn't matter that much anymore. Not that it would've mattered then… Maybe I just- thought that if being your friend meant that ...nevermind. Sorry, I was just trying to carry on with the conversation." 

Junhoe sighs as the silence falls once again, and he stares at down at his hands for a moment, before plucking up the courage to ask the other a question.

"How's Raon doing?" 

Junhoe doesn't miss the way Jiwon's face lights up, looking up at him in mild surprise. He clearly hadn't expected Junhoe to keep the conversation going, with how they left it off awkwardly with that offhand topic.

“Good. He’s good. He can walk by himself now.” 

Junhoe nods. “And your mom?” 

“She misses you.” Jiwon replies without missing a beat. Junhoe looks at him to read the expression on his face, but he’s just staring straight ahead, as if contemplating on his next words. “Actually, she asks about you a lot.” 

“Does she not know that we’ve broken up?” 

“No, no. She knows. You know me. I tell my mom everything.” Jiwon laughs half-heartedly, then continues in a more serious voice, “It’s just that - she still hopes that _we get back together._ ” The last words were spoken in a whisper, as if the idea of them getting back together is some sort of taboo. 

Junhoe already knows about Jiwon’s mom’s deep fondness towards him (if the way she keeps commenting and liking Junhoe’s facebook posts are any indication) so it doesn’t come as a surprise when Jiwon tells him this. 

“Me too.” Junhoe replies absentmindedly, making Jiwon whip his head towards him so suddenly he’s afraid the guy might have broken his neck. It isn’t until he sees the surprise in Jiwon’s face when he realizes the context of what he just said. 

“I mean, I miss her too.” 

“Oh.” Jiwon lets out a breathy laugh with a slight shake of his head. “For a moment there, I thought you meant you wanted us to get back together.” 

No other thoughts slipped into Junhoe’s mind at that moment, and he finds that a bit weird considering it was the kind of situation in which he’d expect himself to be overthinking. No other thoughts except - 

_I do._

_I do, but-_

Before he loses control of his brain-to-mouth filter, Junhoe gets on his feet and says, "I'm thirsty." Then he disappears into the kitchen. 

His feet mindlessly leads him to the fridge, and as if they have minds of their own, his hands grab for the water pitcher and places it on the kitchen table. Junhoe just stares at it, allowing his mind to float up and away from his body. He's tired of thinking. He's tired of trying to figure out what he wants, and what he thinks is best for him. 

There's no doubt he wants Jiwon back - god knows how much he wants Jiwon back in his life, to hold him again in his arms, to kiss the living daylights out of him, to see him smile, to be the reason for that smile - but how can Junhoe be sure that the same thing he fears won't happen again? How can he be sure that he won't end up hurting Jiwon again? 

"Junhoe, can I talk to you?" Junhoe flinches and looks up to see Jiwon standing by the kitchen doorway, looking a bit nervous.

"Aren't we already-"

"Yeah, but I don't want to keep beating around the bush." Jiwon takes a tentative step closer towards Junhoe, and when the latter doesn't react, he takes another step forward. When Jiwon speaks again, his voice is low, soft. "I mean, talk about _us_? About what happened between us?" 

Jiwon must have noticed the way Junhoe falters because he adds, "If that's all right." 

Junhoe swears he can hear his heart pounding in his chest now. The jitters is making him hesitate, as well as the possibility of this going downhill, but Junhoe decides anyway that there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking. Maybe this could lead to that enlightenment that could help him decide on what to do, or what he wants.

"It's okay." 

Jiwon visibly relaxes upon his words, giving a grateful smile that Junhoe's heart couldn't help but react to. 

"First off, I want to apologize." 

Junhoe frowns because an apology might probably be the last thing he expects to hear from Jiwon. He starts to shake his head, but Jiwon proceeds before he can even let a word out.

"You were right. I never listened to you, you know? I never understood the weight of your words until all the anger had left me, and that took a long time to do so. Too long that, when I thought about coming back to you and apologizing for not being understanding enough, it already felt like I was too late. And I can't help but beat myself up at the fact that I walked away at the time when you needed me the most, thinking that I let you down, thinking that we parted ways while you _hated me_."

Junhoe shakes his head again, and he feels his heart clench when Jiwon subtly brushes his hand against his. He doesn't know who moved, but suddenly they are now face to face. 

"I never hated you." Junhoe feels his throat constrict, trying his best not to get swept by the overwhelming emotions. "Maybe at first, I did just a little bit, but-" He pauses to laugh, and his heart does this little soar when Jiwon joins him. "I never actually hated you, or cursed you, or anything like that. I don't think I can even if I tried." 

Junhoe pauses again to swallow the lump in his throat, and also to buy him more time to find the right words to tell Jiwon. But why is it that the more you have to say, the harder it is to speak? His mind is whirring, and he can’t, for the life of him, find the right words to continue.

He stares into Jiwon’s eyes, the familiar trace of hope reflecting in his orbs. He doesn't know what to make out of it, doesn't know what to expect out of this conversation. What if he receives the worst end of the stick by the time they're done with all of _this?_ He's gonna lose Jiwon all over again. Oh, he's gonna lose him again. He's gonna lose- 

Junhoe looks up in mild surprise when he feels a gentle touch brushing his cheek. 

"Don't cry." Jiwon says, his gaze soft, warm and everything else that Junhoe has missed in all his dark times. Junhoe leans into his touch, and when he’s not satisfied with it, places his hand right on top of Jiwon's. The touch is electrifying. 

“Forgive me as well. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was too caught up in my own pain that I didn't realize I was starting to hurt the people around me, the people who cared about me."

Jiwon nods slightly, tears beginning to brim in his eyes. His little smile never leaves his face however, like the first ray of sunlight after a storm, or that tiny glimmer of hope in the midst of a chaos. And it is, for the lack of better words, the most beautiful thing Junhoe has ever seen.

"I still have no idea what happened back then."

Junhoe slowly takes both of Jiwon's hands in his, cupping them gently as though they are delicate flowers that are bound to break if handled recklessly.

Junhoe still feels uneasy of the prospect of speaking about his personal problems out loud. It's like stripping away a part of yourself, and never getting the chance to have it back again. But the last time he kept them to himself, it felt as though that his whole being was taken away from him. So, what does that tells him? 

"If you let me," He starts, his voice building courage as he goes on. Jiwon stares at him expectantly, the hope not once had left his eyes. And it has rubbed off on Junhoe now, because suddenly, he can see the light. Albeit not as bright as how he would have preferred, but it’s there. It’s a little dull, but the hope is there. Their chance is right there. 

"If you let me, I'll tell you everything."

  
  


Jinhwan and Donghyuk arrive a couple of hours later, when all of the tears have long dried up and both hearts have finally - _finally_ \- settled on a mutual tranquil.

They catch Junhoe and Jiwon lounging on the couch casually, laughing at the cartoon series playing on the television. (It was hard trying to act normal after all that crying and opening up of heartfelt feelings, but Jiwon's cheerful and easygoing disposition made it a whole lot easier for the both of them.)

Junhoe almost doubles over at Jinhwan’s dumbstruck expression, looking like he was expecting to see something else from the two, and not this casual couch lounging, bonding over a bowl of salted popcorn. 

Jiwon told him earlier that he had caught on about the set up brought by the couple. Apparently, Donghyuk wasn't too discreet with his excessive texting minutes before asking Jiwon for a spontaneous drive. Junhoe put two and two together, and it sort of just makes sense. After all, it does sound a lot like Jinhwan to calculate the time of Jiwon and Donghyuk's arrival at the intersection relative to the stoplight's countdown. No wonder he kept glancing at his watch. 

Jiwon and Donghyuk bid their goodbyes after a few episodes of the cartoon, Junhoe and Jinhwan sending them off by the foyer. Junhoe had not missed the way Donghyuk has reached for Jinhwan's hand and has given it a quick squeeze, to which the older has furiously blushed to. 

To Junhoe's slight disappointment, he received no similar physical interaction from Jiwon, who did not even as much as say a word to him before heading out for the door. But it turns out, they need not words in order to grasp what the other is trying to convey. Jiwon looks over at Junhoe fondly, his stare lingering until the other couple has said their final goodbyes, and Donghyuk finally steps out the door. Before the door closes after him, Jiwon flashes him a bright smile, and Junhoe has never felt better. 

"So, what happened?" Jinhwan follows him to the kitchen, where Junhoe has brought the empty bowl of popcorn to clean it up

"What?" He feigns ignorance, starting the faucet so that the water makes a swooshing sound as it hits the sink. 

"Did you make up?" Jinhwan asks over the sound of the rushing water.

Junhoe wants to say that there isn't actually a need for them to make up because Jiwon and he weren't even fighting in the first place. But he finds that explanation a bit too energy-draining so he just says, "Yeah." 

"So you got back together?" 

Junhoe turns off the faucet, and immediately, the room falls into silence. He turns to face Jinhwan, heart feeling light and calm. "No." 

For a moment, Jinhwan just stares at him. It's as though he is trying to figure out the hidden meaning behind that one word, or simply figuring out if Junhoe's sane enough to make up some lie. 

"Okay, but -why do you sound so happy-? You even _look_ happy!" 

And it's only then when Junhoe feels the smile adorning his features, and he's sure that his eyes are probably alight with joy. 

"We agreed to take it slow." 

Jinhwan gasps in delight, obviously taking the information as good news. And it _is_ good news – Junhoe would not have it any other way.

  
  


The first time Junhoe tells Jiwon _the three words_ is when the latter brings him along to the center where Jiwon has been volunteering. 

("I'd like you to meet the kids. Oh, and just so you wouldn't get surprised or anything, they call me 'Boss Bobby' there, so I thought I should tell you before- hey, what's so funny?") 

It is a spur of the moment kind of thing - it must have been the way Jiwon is surrounded with adorable little kids, or the way he told lame jokes and laughed along with them, or the way the light shone through the window and cast pale orange glows round his head - and just staring at him like that, Junhoe has never felt _higher, better._ When Jiwon notices him staring by the corner, the man excuses himself from the group, and heads towards his direction. 

"Sorry, Junhoe-yah. But I can't let you stare at me like that from across the room, it's distracting-"

"I love you." 

Junhoe’s glad that he has chosen to drop the words at the most unexpected moment, because Jiwon’s reaction is _priceless_. It’s like he’s trying to make out whether to jump in joy or burst into tears. He does neither however, and instead wraps his arms around the younger. Junhoe could have sworn that Jiwon has grabbed his waist to pull him in for a kiss, but he catches himself when he hears giggling, reminding him of the notably young audience around them. 

Jiwon chuckles gleefully, and Junhoe couldn’t help but laugh along, because it's okay. The kiss can wait, and as well as the thousands of other words that are hidden behind what Junhoe has just said. 

It's okay. They're okay. 

Junhoe has long since learned that time is a tricky little motherfucker, but it isn’t until recently when he realized that it is up to one’s resolve to deal with how time is playing with you. 

He’s still a bit scared of the future (but who isn’t?), but at least he has learned to stop knocking on closed doors. Most importantly, he has devised himself a plan.

And the plan goes like this:

_To carry on slowly, and make moments last for a long time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _우리천천히오래가자_
> 
> thank you for reading!


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